Clinical Depression: A Visual Display

So this is life on a good day...

(notice the sunny sky, peaceful water and you can even see a clear path in there if you look)

I had initially thought I would be writing some random entry about the crazy, unpredictable weather here in southern FL... I mean after all the pics are pretty cool,, you should have seen it in person... But then the last couple weeks laid themselves out in front of me... and as I went to write my quirky little entry,,, I noticed they more clearly captured something else entirely...

*

How many of you know someone with diagnosed clinical depression? I'm not talking about the 'I'm having a bad day' kind of depression,,, or even the ' this has been a really rough few weeks' kind of stuff.... I'm talking about the kind where your brain chemistry is officially screwed up,,, Now I have been fortunate,, that mine isn't completely debilitating,,,

but it definitely has it's moments in time...

*

It usually goes something like this,,,, when I start falling off balance.

At first, it's like that mysterious bump in the floor at work.

The one I've tripped over, but no one else can see...

It starts with the very subtle undertones of being a spectator. I'm not sure when it happened, and at first I'm not even sure it is happening, after all it could just be a bad day, right?. But then I also start to realize that the bright sunny days are looking a bit overcast.

*

And I forge ahead,,, doing the things I do... always aiming for the sunshine, but with this continued feeling that it's getting further away instead of closer.... These things that are usually so simple to deal with and conquer, are becoming more of a challenge...

And instead of getting brighter... it seems to be getting darker... and no matter what I do, I seem to keep stumbling over that imaginary bump, and making no headway... On the last stumble, on the way down,,, I look over my shoulder, instead of looking ahead...

*

And then I realize, firmly, and without doubt, whats happening...

The storm is coming...

It has happened before, and each time I tell myself I'm going to pay more attention, so I can be better prepared the next time it happens...

You see,,, usually by the time I see it looming over my shoulder, that cloud is moving way too fast to stop... It just keeps coming, getting darker, and heavier...

Until it's right on top of me.

Suffocating me, tainting everything I see and do...

There are no Rose Colored Glasses in the midst of this cloud.

What do I do, when I realize I'm in the cloud?

I have the benefit of knowing that I don't really feel the way my brain is telling me I do,,, and that the tiny thoughts of "it can't really be as bad as it seems" are the truth shining through. (isn't crazy fun)

I have learned that if I can force myself to look back to the front, straight ahead...

I again see, that the sunshine is there,

and chances are,

There's a pharmacy on the corner...

(for those of you wondering,,, this is a storm front that came through last week. The craziest part is that the storm pictures were taken out the driver's window, and the sunny pictures were taken out the passenger's window... and yes I was driving while taking the pics,, crazy is as crazy does!)

And he's here...

As an update...

My friend had her baby last night... A beautiful little boy (she sent a pic to prove it)... 6lbs 15 oz and 18.5 inches....

I was not there... and amazingly she was still able to accomplish the task at hand!

The reason I wasn't there wasn't because the fear won,, but the poor girl had been in active labor from about 12:00am Sunday night/Monday morning and didn't have him until 10:30ish Monday night... When I talked to her that afternoon,, she was simply exhausted, and at her wits end.... God bless her husband!!

Maybe I'll get lucky and another one of my friends will get knocked up and need someone to hold a leg !! : )

I've been invited...

Invited to witness a miracle...

What do you say to that? How do you turn that down? Read on and tell me what you would do, if in my humble shoes...

The Admin for our business unit is pregnant... very pregnant, so pregnant that she's almost ready to not be pregnant anymore...

She has humored me the last few months... and on top of that been very nice to me,, she's worked at extending the hand of friendship over and over to a person who is so very cautious when it comes to letting people in...

She has answered all my questions,,, dealt with the envy,,, of a 41 year old woman who is facing the hard facts that motherhood (at least biological motherhood) is slipping away month by month. Dealt with the envy of a woman who was adopted as an infant and has wanted nothing more than to experience that amazing connection that a woman develops with her child before it even takes it's first breath... When the baby started kicking, she made a point of coming to my desk and not only telling me,, but in later weeks when it could be felt by someone other than her, placing my hand in just the right place so I could feel it too... And like me, she doesn't like people in her space,,, so she was doing this for me...

So today, she came in after her weekly appointment,,, and let us know it would be her last day. At the risk of saying too much (but really at this point the boundaries are at their limits anyway),,, she was 2 centimeters and 50%.... So she happily sat through our luncheon,, and the shower later in the afternoon,, and diligently worked to get everything she could documented, filed, saved and sent to clients... All the while I sat in awe, watching, realizing this one woman was about to officially become two separate people...

During lunch as everyone was talking I could see her grimace, and suck in a quick breath, and then slowly let it out, looking around to see if anyone else noticed, then looking at me and smiling.... making fun of me when I asked if she was OK... I could here her all afternoon taking these breaths, and when I would ask if she was OK,, she would say " yes, I'm just having trouble breathing for some reason",,, cuz you're in labor maybe ???!!!! and she just laughs,,, saying she still has time, no worries...

And then it happens,,, on the way to the break room or from the break room or in the break room,,,, I am invited,,, invited to be in the delivery room... invited to be there, at this intensely intimate private moment. Initially I just laugh it off,, make some crude joke about not knowing her well enough to be in such close proximity to her in such an exposed state (trust me, much cruder than that)... and then I start thinking about it... And as we talk about it, and I ask if she's serious,,, she says what I am thinking, in a kind and honest way, that only a friend could...

Do you want to go through life and not witness child birth at least once?

As I typed this out and read it back,,, I realized there really is no dilemma... If women can block out the pain of labor and delivery once they have seen this other human they have created,,, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to block out the 'visuals' and potential emotional scarring from seeing a coworkers, I guess more accurately, a friends, 'stuff' , when I remember that I have witnessed a miracle.

And it all comes down to timing,,, if junior doesn't decide to vacate by Monday morning at 8:00 I may have to forfeit...

I've got nothing...

Both figuratively and literally...

Figuratively: it seems as though I have hit a temporary drought in ideas and motivation to write. I can't even seem to get e glimpse of anything right now...

Literally: I am so tired, warn-out, overwhelmed with work, overwhelmed with trying to get the remnants moved,, and trying to unpack, that I can't even see straight... I worked over 60 hours last week... which I know I shouldn't complain about, as that means I do have a job.... but man-oh-man... I look around and see the potential this little condo has,,, and then think,,, maybe by Christmas I'll get everything settled...

By the way,, I had to go to the DMV and Court House today to get my car transferred over... even that can't get me motivated to be creative... submerged in humanity for an afternoon,,, days worth of blogging material is in there somewhere...

Genesee Cream Ale...

You find it in the darnedest places....

One of my childhood friends had a random FaceBook entry a couple months ago... It made me smile, as it was the first time I had seen, heard or thought of good 'ole Genny in years...

I found it odd though, that it would be something one craved,,, my memories of it are simply not as positive.

And then, as I was flipping through random blogs today (yes, I was taking a mental health day) I came across the picture below, on a blog from someone in Wisconsin.... WISCONSIN...... I liked the pictures she was posting, so scrolled through,,, I always admire people who can capture the simple everyday items and make them look so good (at least to my eye)...

This photo was lifted from Lauren at 'In-Between Things'

I wonder if Genny tastes better with age?