To post or not to post, that is the question...

Have you ever had so many thoughts swirling around your head that you don't know where to begin?? And really, what's the point if no one reads it right? Who really gives a crap what I have to say....

SIDEBAR: Now, don't start thinking,,, Where's that Kat that was soooo happy for the last several weeks! Trust me she is still here, and frankly happier than I have any right being, and enjoying every single minute of it. I live by the 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' mantra... and the way I look at it now,, is at least I'll be happy when it hits me!

Back to the thoughts that no one cares about... So many... and although I sometimes dread the task of writing things down,, I have found it quite therapeutic. Helps me gain perspective, to be able to look back on where I was and what I was thinking and feeling weeks ago, hell, yesterday for that matter. And isn't that the idea (or at least it was my original idea)... Capture it... If for no one other than myself...

SO what's the thought of the day.... I am happier than I have been in a very, very, very long time. I want to soak up every single minute of it. I am trying to push the hesitation and fear aside. I am trying to trust... There are so many things that have happened in my life that have left me scarred (probably no more than the next person, but I am so tender hearted it's not funny). But when the fear creeps in,,, whispering in my ear that I don't deserve this, that none of it is real, and that I will be made to look like the fool...

How have I chosen to deal with it??? I have chosen to battle it with the best ammunition I have... I remember I am happy... very, very, very happy...

GPS for the human soul...

I took a road trip this past weekend... Went up to SC to pack up all my worldly possessions, put them in a POD and see them driven away... Up until recently,, I felt like I was pretty clear on the direction my life was headed...

Single
Independent
Career Minded
Up for the Challenge of a new job
Comfortable with the life I had
Firm in my beliefs

And then,,,, everything changes... I couldn't help but see the irony as I was driving along I95. It's pretty much a straight shot from one door to the other,,, but I still had to have the GPS unit on,,, It made me feel comfortable.... Knowing that if I got off the designated path, it would quickly redirect me, pointing me once again to the straight and narrow.... The analogies are endless, so I will spare us both...

But what do we do, as adults, when we are all of the sudden faced with choices and decisions that will undoubtedly take us down a rougher road? There you are, driving along, singing to yourself, and then the signs start popping up, Exit Ahead, Road Work Underway, Bridge Out, Last Exit for 356 miles,,, everything in you is telling you to turn off, go the other way, back track, RUN,,

But you are forced to evaluate... If you turn and run,, if you walk away, what could you be missing out on? I've always taken the safe route... Always lived my life for others... Always doing what I thought would make them happy, what would make them comfortable, what would be better for the group as a whole.... If I continue to do that, at 41, what will I be missing out on? It is my nature to protect myself at all costs (frequently meaning I do miss out), but if I don't do it, who will?....

Against everything I am,,, I'm leaning towards going down the road less traveled (well at least it's less traveled for me).... Slam the Jeep into 4 wheel drive and forge ahead. Go through the rockiness, go through the harshness of the unpaved road, take the risk... Don't they say the the best things in life are the things you have to fight for, the things you have to struggle for? I've had a couple friends recently, who have had to face the uncertainties of life, who've had to come face to face with the fact that we simply do not have all the time in the world... At this point in my life, can I afford to wait for my own happiness? Should I not seize what ever opportunity I have?

I feel like my GPS is beeping loudly, and John Clease is shouting for me to turn around and drive in the opposite direction. Instead I opt for the last scene of Thelma and Louise... People shouting, sirens blaring, I floor it, dust flies, and I drive off the edge of the cliff,,, just waiting with anticipation to see what happens next ...... I've always believed that the car somehow miraculously landed safely at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, and they drove away, laughing hysterically, at the fact that they had survived, and will now be able to lead the lives they have truly wanted....

But there are so many to choose from...

I have so many ideas for quirky little snip-its, full on rants and questions for the universe lately that I don't even know where to begin...

I'm hoping to spend some time this weekend putting some of these thoughts to paper(as they used to say)...

Let's check Monday and see how successful I was...

I've got a good one brewing....

Give me a few hours drive time,,, letting it perk a bit longer...

FaceBook makes you feel like you're 20 again...

And not in a good way.... Enough said for now,,, I may need years of therapy to recover...

Final Chapter

I'm headed north to SC this week,,, Will be packing up a 4 bedroom house in 2 days... Anybody care to make a road trip to Chapin this weekend? It's a little overwhelming when I think about all I have to do...

My poor parents have volunteered to come up from Hilton Head to help out,,, I keep thinking that maybe it won't be so bad.... Good news,,, after it's done, they'll pick up the PODS and I can leave SC for good (other than the occasional drive-by on the way to somewhere else)... They've finished the work on the bathroom,,, with a few upgrades,,, and by luck the contractor has decided to not charge me more than my deductible...

Mixed feelings about leaving SC... On one hand,,, can't really say I enjoyed it there... It wasn't until a few months before I left that i actually met a couple people that I actually call my friends now,,, Strangely enough,,, it's one of those friendships where you feel like you've know each other forever,,,nothing but laughter non-stop every time we get together..

Professionally,,, left hand,,, hated it,, was a very oppressive environment, toxic even. Little Napoleon ran a tight ship.... Right hand,,, I am able to see as I work through the challenges of my new job how much I learned... and I have to admit,, even learned a little from Napoleon...

So even though it wasn't the best two years of my life,,, I can say I walked away with more knowledge than when I got there....

By the way,,, I'm serious about the road-trip! Vodka-rita's will be supplied!

Good Cop, Bad Cop....

That's the only analogy I could think of,,, So I got the 'What the hell' post out of my blood stream, so now I'll balance it out with the ' how cool is that' post...

Yet again,, referring to FaceBook... This time referring to those people who make you smile when you see their name or their picture and you can't click quickly enough to see what they have been up to... I don't know about you,, but I have a lot of regrets from my teenage years... Not regrets I loose sleep over, and realistically I know these decisions have made me into the sentimental cry baby I am today... but regrets none the less...

The faces I am happiest to see are those of the people I have known since early childhood. Growing up in a small town, at graduation I probably knew 90% of my class since I was 5 or 6 years old... Why am I happy to see them? Because when I think back,, to all the trials and tribulations of high school, these are the people that took me for who I was,,,, Even though I was so insecure, and was determined to be part of 'the crowd',,, which often meant I didn't talk to people I wanted to,, simply because others didn't think I should,,, these people are still the ones that want to know how I am, who I am, and where i am... These are the people, that if I had it all to do over I would never turn my back on... These are the people who know how to be friends with people, who are genuine.... etc. etc. etc... I sound like a fool!

But you know what,,, I don't care,, these are some of the best people I have ever met.. To be able to say I have been 'let in',, and now get to see the little notes that are left for each other, and how after all this time they still truly care for one another... I value this more than any of them could ever know... When I think of 'Good people' , the ones you use in examples when talking to others, the ones you strive to be more like,,, these are the people I think of... Regrets that I let these people and friendships slip away so easily (even though I was too young and stupid to know better)... Yes... Thankful that I have an opportunity to now get reacquainted and tell these people the impact they have had on me.... Most definitely....

So You want to be Friends... Really??

I think I've pretty much established that I think FaceBook is fantastic... It's been great to see the faces of people I haven't seen in eons, and it has brought many memories flooding back that have actually made me laugh out loud... but here's what I don't get...

You get to your home page and get to click on your 'invites',,, and there they are, the smiling faces of your best childhood friend, or your 1st grade 'boyfriend', and then, wait, what are they doing there..

There they are: one yesterday, a couple last week, the people who made your adolescence a living hell (and that's putting it mildly). They are the people who talked about you, spread rumors about you, frankly wouldn't give you the time of day if your last breath depended on it... and now they want to be your friend... Now I'm smart enough to know, that being 'friends' on FaceBook, does not equate to the time and investment put in to a real friendship... but I find I have been plagued by flashbacks... Flash backs of people calling me a slut... saying I slept with this person and that person and 'you should have heard about what she did at that party',,, people who snickered as I walked down the hall, people who thought it was funny to yell 'Wide Load' behind a person who at 5'9" only weighed 115 pounds... People who thought it would be a fantastic idea to rally all the friends together and ignore me for days on end... because you had nothing better to do... I could go on and on and on,,, but am determined not to give you one more minute of my time than I already have.... after I have finished with this post...

But now you want to be my friend... Hmmmmm.... did you actually think that I would click on my invites and be happy to see your face?? Oh, how lucky am I that now you want to be my friend... Do you really think I give a crap what you're doing, or who you married or where you work? There's actually some of you that have made your way onto my list simply because I had at some point decided to take the high road... But guess what.. Screw you...

I know I should be adult about this,,, I know that in the big scheme of things, none of this really matters.... I know that all the crap every single one of you put me through has made me into the person I am, and value the things I do, and value the true friends I have even more. But know this,,, Not every person has the self confidence to stand up to the cruelty of their peers. Not every person has the strength to stay friends with the people they have known since they were 5, even though they weren't the cool people... Not every person has the strength to walk away from adolescence unscathed...

This is what I hope for you, as you eagerly post pictures of your kids, wanting to show us how normal you turned out to be,,,,

I want you to think back to all the things you said and did in High School. I want you to think back to every snide comment, every accidental shove as you walked past in the hall, every rumor you started or spread, even though you really knew it wasn't true.... Now I want you to think about all of that directed at that sweet innocent child you have so eagerly posted that picture of,,, think about how you will comfort that child when they come home crying, hating who they are simply because someone else doesn't like them... Think about what you will say to them about how cruel kids can be. What will you do if you realize your child is the one who is tormenting others,,, will you address it or will you simply think how fantastic it is that they take after you....

Truly, I do wish you the best in life... I honestly wouldn't want anything bad to come to any of you or your children or those that you love... But although I would like to say 'I am above it all'... I can hold a grudge... If I never see or talk to any of you again it will be too soon...

Best Regards....