Caffeine Alternative...

Laughter... That's it... I have laughed more in the last few months than I think I did in my 30's combined...

Have trouble getting up in the morning? Don't roll out of bed and reach for the mug'o'coffee or the 2 liter of Diet Coke... Talk to the funniest person you know. It's better than the strongest Grande Cappuccino, Espresso, Latte Starbucks concoction you could ever find...

Having trouble mid-morning or mid-afternoon at work, can't seem to keep those eyes open, feeling stressed? Don't take the walk of shame to the break room for that 12 ounces of caffeine laced with that crappy sugar substitute and another 3 oz of creamer... Talk to the friend who makes you laugh... Or if you can't do that, think about the last thing they said as you were hanging up the phone last time that cracked you up... Works like a charm...

Find your funny person, it is so worth it...

I've also been told a Latte and pastry work just fine too,,, if you need a back-up plan...

Words to remember...

"Keep in mind that no matter how cute and sexy, or famous a guy is, there's always some woman somewhere who's sick of him."

Documenting Change...

Is that ever a good thing to do?

I was reading NieNie Dialogues, which is a blog I follow... The short of it is this woman has literally survived a deadly plane crash. Her blog was one that was followed by thousands before this happened, due to her honest and simple reflections and perspective on her life. Well apparently she has this ritual each year of doing silhouettes of the family, and this year she doesn't want to include hers...Because it's so different than it used to be...

I have found myself thinking of her a lot... She commented on how she likes to do her children's because they change so much from year to year... And I've been thinking how maybe a year from now she will wish she had done her own. Maybe she'll wish she had that to look back on, so she can see how far she has come, and how much she has changed. Maybe not in the physical aspect, but in all the other aspects...

Compared to the life changes or challenges this woman has had in the last 12 months, mine would not even rank... But then again they are my changes and challenges, not hers... The dilemma is taking my own advise.... I have avoided being in pictures, near pictures, anything picture related for years. I see a camera come out and I run in the other direction... almost literally. It started when I was married,,, I would see pictures of myself, and it was so obvious to me how unhappy I was, smiling or not, I could see right through it. I could never understand how others didn't notice, why no one asked... Since then it has just carried over... carried on...

Until recently... I've seen some random pictures people have taken in the last couple months,,, and quite frankly am shocked,,, shocked at how happy I look... shocked... I can't remember the last time I looked that happy, let alone genuinely was that happy... It's funny to me how when you allow yourself to come out of the fog, or the fear, or whatever you want to call it, all the residual side effects there are. The good mood, the desire to feel better, look better, be better... The best part is it's not that I am doing this for this other person,,, I'm doing it because of this other person. It's the first time in a long time where I have felt safe enough,,, just safe in general...

So, do I document all this change? Do I do my own silhouette so i can look back in a year and see how I've changed? Can a blog be a silhouette?

Compromise or Sacrifice...

Which is better and do they both stand on both sides of the good/bad fence?

Compromise and Sacrifice: The Good

• Meeting someone half way...
• Giving a little (or a lot)...
• Understanding that your way is not the only way...
• Letting go of something so that someone else can have,get or gain something...
• Willingly giving in, in the effort to make someone else happy...

In general,, I think it's safe to say we all know the good behind compromise and sacrifice... And that it's key to healthy, happy relationships... All relationships...


Compromise and Sacrifice: The Bad

• Meeting someone half way,,, even though you know the best thing to do is stand your ground...
• Giving alot,,, therefore compromising on your own core beliefs, sacrificing your own ideals...
• Understanding that the way you want to handle something is not the only way, but handling it that way anyway,,, sacrificing someone else's happiness or piece of mind in the process (and ultimately your own)...
• Letting go,,, letting go of things you believe in, in an effort to justify your own actions (maybe not letting go altogether, but reclassifying temporarily)...
• Willingly giving in... to your own weakness, in a misguided effort to find your own happiness.

When did it become so difficult to do the right thing? Why does it seem so easy to go down the road well traveled, instead of the road less traveled? You'd think the less traveled road would look better; no pot holes, no road blocks, no pedestrians in the way... At what point do we (meaning 'I' but I'm determined I'm not the only one with this affliction) decide our happiness trumps all others, as in I'm sorry if my actions will hurt you, but I'll walk away with a slice of happiness so it's something I've decided I can live with...

And will I be able to live with it...?

Mile High Club...or just...High

** Let me start with this,,, if you are one of my more upstanding and honorable friends, please read knowing you may be offended**

SO as promised... Here's my Mile High Club story... and as promised, it will probably not be nearly as funny as it was in the moment, but you'll get it anyway... Things to keep in mind; I am traveling with the Director of our business unit and the Business Analyst who reports to me and I don't really know either of them outside the office environment... we have not only worked all day,, but are now on a 6 hour travel plan to Dallas...

The beauty of the afternoon starts as we are all sitting and talking about, religion... My boss and BA are telling me about the different beliefs they have, and asking questions about my faith... this goes on for a good 45 minutes before one of them has to take a break,,, up until this point we have been in our own world, really not paying attention to anyone....

Then slam,, hits you in the face... There's this 'gentleman' traveling with the wife and two kids,, she takes a quick jaunt to the gift shop, and he decides that this is a good time to dig for gold.... I swear, you would have thought that the mans underwear had been lodged up his butt for the last, oh I don't know, 10 years... Because,, he was DIGGING.... no shame, no worries,, just digging to get that wedgie out... He seemed very satisfied with himself that he managed to accomplish the goal without his wife seeing any of it(although I'm sure she got a nice surprise on laundry day!!)... forget the other 500 people in the near vicinity,,,

So we wait and wait, as our first flight is delayed... Finally we start boarding,, and even before we can get settled into our seats there seems to be this mad dash for the bathrooms... My BA and are are acutely aware of this as I am in the last row, back against the bathroom wall and she's only 3 rows ahead of me...

This is our first glimpse of Joe Dirt... he runs back, nearly running over this 80 yr old on the way to see her grand daughter,,, we were so annoyed by that and the 60 year old in full 'gangsta' attire, big gold clock around the neck and everything that we somehow missed Joe Dirt's girlfriend trying to make it back before the other people in line. She missed out, and turned around and headed back to her seat,,, We were then on our way...

The fasten seat belt sign went off and here comes Joe Dirt.... a few seconds later, the girlfriend,,, again with the timing,, they can seem to get it quite right... This happens a few more times (this is only a 2.5 hour flight, so really,, how many times can one truly need to use the bathroom), the flight attendant looks at me, i look at her, and she helps me move my stuff up to the same row as my coworker.... So those of us in the back are getting a big chuckle over the whole thing,,, trying to figure out if they are truly trying to gain membership in the legendary Mile High Club or just the High Club... Not the we were doing any 'profiling' but it really could have been either...

Then by round three or four I'm up, my briefcase is in my seat and I'm facing the back of the plane,,, hunched over trying to find some documents to prep for the next days meetings... Just as I find them, I look up... And there it is,,,, No doubt that they were shooting for the Mile High Club,, and unfortunately, no doubt that they had finally achieved their goal... The evidence was there,,, behind Joe Dirt's halfway buckled, baggy jeans, although they aren't nearly as baggy as I wish they were...... I see it, my co worker sees it, the 60 year old gangsta sees it and the flight attendant sees it.... we all try to not bust out laughing,, which for me was quite a feat... and then 15 seconds later,, here comes Joe Dirt's girlfriend,,, head down as she makes her way out into the isle as she is straightening her way too tight sweat pants.... yes, tight sweat pants... and she looks up, looks straight at me,,, and grins..... you know if she hadn't done that I would have been able to hold my composure,,, but she was so proud of herself,,, I just laughed,,, out loud,, right in her face,,,, (not my proudest moment)...

Why was this so disturbing,,, let's see,,, there's the fact that for what ever reason, 60% of the people on the plane felt the need to use the bathroom during the flight, and let's face it,, there is only so much room in there anyway,,, just leaves a germ-a-phobe's skin crawling... and then there's the fact that it was Joe Dirt... I am ashamed to admit,,, probably wouldn't have been near as disturbing if it had been Brad and Angelina,, or two other equally as hot individuals... really how hot would that have been?

So not only was this not my own Mile High Club story,,, but it was Joe Dirt's...

Update(2)...

(1)
I am an idiot...
that's it,
that's the entire post...

(2)
OK,, so that was going to be the entire post...
15 hours later, after a good nights sleep,,
I've decided, I am not an idiot...
Well, not most of the time...

Paralytic Power of Fear

Honestly do they even need any type of drug to induce paralysis? Can't they just tell you that you will have to face, and walk through your biggest fear... Most of us will be frozen stiff, enough said.

Well here I am... Paralyzed... I'm the person who when the Doc says "can you squeeze my hand?" looks him square in the eye, says "no problem",,, Then, after I am sure I have broken that hand, I look at him defiantly, with the 'see I told you I could do it' grin, only to have someone whisper in my ear that nothing happened. Are you kidding me??? Complete disbelief...

For years now I have been doing all the hand squeezing, toe wiggling, you name the PT analogy, I've been doing it... Making the progress, moving through my fear. Until someone whispered in my ear "Nothing Happened"... Complete defeat, what happened to all my progress? Funny how that voice sounds so much like my ex husbands...

Here are some of the sweet nothings he whispers in my ear:

• The last time he called you,,, Well that was the last time he will ever call you...
• When he tells you he can't talk,,, He really means he's bored with you and doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
• Go ahead, trust him, make yourself vulnerable to him,,, He's just going to take what ever you say and whatever you do and in some way use it against you, use it to control you.
• In a bad mood? feeling a little insecure, it's ok to tell him,,, Tell him if you want him to run in the oppossite direction as fast as he can,,, You should know better than to think he would even care let alone put up with it...

Here's the best one, trumps all the others:

• Isn't it great when he tells you he loves you?,,, Well don't believe it, he's just saying it... and certainly doesn't mean it the same way you do...

Lovely isn't it?? Here's the thing though... Let's not even get into all the baggage and complications that comes with two people in their 40's finding their way to each other, finally.... I want this,,, I want to get through this fear like I never have before, because simply put, this man is worth it. He has one of the kindest, most gentle souls I have ever known. He is genuine, he is trust worthy and he does care about me. I trust this man. That fact alone makes facing this fear worth every minute of anxiety...

I've been in a bad and pouty mood the last couple days... stressing over the little cosmetic bag sized baggage and the huge steamer trunk sized baggage equally. He didn't run away... He called to check on me, see how I was doing, and remind me he loved me...

I think I just wiggled my toe...

The Modern Day 'Fine Arts'

The Fine Arts as we knew them growing up: Theater/Music, Painting and Sculpture....

The Fine Arts as I know them today: The Art of Procrastination, The Art of Rationalization and The Art of Justification.

The Art of Procrastination: This was my major.. I excelled in every course.. and could in fact win a Pulitzer in this area if they were given and if I could then get whatever paperwork necessary submitted in time.... (which makes the whole thing improbable to say the least)... However, it seems that no matter what steps I take to become more organized, and how good my intentions are... I am always running late in some aspect or another and always have. My earliest memories are from when I was in elementary school, living in The Meadows... We'd be going somewhere as a family, my mom, dad and Scott would be in the car waiting... The car would be running, my dad fuming, and I'd come running out, slamming the door behind me and jump in the car... It got so bad, that one day my dad slammed the car in reverse before I even had both feet in the door.... All you heard was 'DAVID.... Let her get in the car for Christ's sake!'... Sad to say that even the near amputation of limb's by ones own father was not enough to put me on the straight and narrow.... Procrastination is now my unwelcome motivator for all projects, contract writing, and proposals... Case in point, we have a Request for Proposal due to Marketing on Tuesday morning,,, I did not even look at it over the weekend (got it Friday), and will be sweating it all day Monday trying to make sure I get it done and done correctly... My Rationalization... I work better under pressure...

The Art of Rationalization: This was the first of my two minors. As Merriam-Webster defines: The art of creating an excuse or more attractive explanation for something... as in. I work better under pressure... Is this something that only I excel in, or is it possible that this is an unattractive side effect of reaching your 40's? Remember the rationalizations of our teen years? Thinking back, I can't believe that my parents didn't out right laugh in my face more often than they did... These were the junior league of rationalizations,,, As in... Mom, it's really important to show school spirit which actually meant,, Mom we begged and begged until they said we could wear our chear leading outfits to school, it has nothing to do with school spirit, we just want to wear those damn short skirts around all day and see how many guys we can get attention from... Like I said, junior league rationalization.

The Art of Justification: This was the second of my two minors(note how closely the two minors are related). These are the courses I seemed to always want to fail at, but somehow managed to pull in the A's anyway... See I believe Justification's root, the 'Almighty Pre-Requisite' is selfishness. And that, I am sad to say, I am... In being selfish, I am someone who wants things the way I want them, when I want them, how I want them, I can justify my actions with the best of them... I can look at just about any situation and with all sincerity tell you why my decisions, actions and choices were truly the best ones to make. I had gotten much better at these in recent years... much better at 'failing' so to speak... However, here I am, excelling again,,, justifying away... when will this lesson finally be learned I wonder?

Makes me wonder what's in line for my Master's...

I now know how our parents must have felt...

DO you remember when VCR's and cable came out?? Remember just waiting for that cable truck to come through your neighborhood, and hoping beyond all hope that your parents would sign you up?? The whole process,, scheduling, digging up the lawn,, and then there they were,,, 20 whole channels instead of 4 (yes, I'm counting the U, as in the original FOX network), back when MTV actually played videos...

I'm not sure how technologically savvy your parents were, but mine had no idea,,, My dad still plays albums, honestly.... I distinctly remember the day he brought home the VCR... My brother was at soccer practice or something and my dad tried and tried until the scandalous phrase was uttered,,,"damn it all to hell",, that's when you knew it was bad... I boldly asked if I could help, only to be shut down by "you won't be able to do it, Scott will do it when he gets home"... (trust me the sexism is a whole different post)... So I waited until he was settled into a good crossword puzzle, and then went at it... had it done in no time,,, then didn't even tell him,,, let him think Scott did it when he got home,, damn it,,, But I clearly remember how stupid I thought they must have been for not being able to figure it out,, I mean really.....

Fast forward 26 years... I'm 41... I don't have kids, so I don't even have the little ones to pawn this crap off on as a 'challenge to see who can get it done the fastest'.... Just me .... and I find myself actually being happy I don't have kids, because they would be laughing at my complete incompetence, which would only piss me off even more,, damn kids...

So I can get around a computer, for the most part... enough to be dangerous, but can get the things done I need to get done,,,,, although tonight at work, 7:00 was quickly approaching and I couldn't figure out how to get my contract from word saved into PDF format.... what did I do??? I am shamed to admit,, I printed it, walked down to the frickin' huge HP printer, copier, cloner and emailed it to myself... Wa La... PDF... forwarded to the client,, and was mildly proud of myself (although shame has ultimately won out)...

Shameful instance number two,,,, The morons down the hall are so frickin' loud that I actually went out and bought an IPOD,,,, told the sales kid I wanted one his mother could use,,, Well apparently he was younger than he looked as his mother must be 20... I sat here, read my 2 by 3 inch instruction 'manual',, which basically said, plug it in,,, and was determined to get some music downloaded,, so I didn't have to lug my CD's to the office... (sounds almost as bad as albums in this days doesn't it).... Well 3 and a half HOURS later I was happy with my mere 24 songs,,,, until I did the math and figured I'd be listening to the same damn shit all day long,,, CD's were starting to look good... Was talking to a friend about it,, and realized that his 10 year old could probably have done the whole 9 yards in about 1 minute 30.... Damn kids...

So this is what I have surmised,,, this struggle between modern and 'old timer' technology has gone on for ever: How'd Eve get those leaves to stay just so? Oh,, she used that new vine she found, thinks she's really hot.... How'd Noah built that boat so big? Oh he used these things called nails,,, made of some metal substance,, thinks he's so smart, who ever heard of that much rain? How'd Charlie get the candles in his house to stay lit for so long? Oh he's got that new stuff called electricity,,, it will never last... How'd Bill get all that information in one place? Oh he created this thing called a personal computer.... no one will buy it, really what good is that, just give me paper and a type writer....

Well I tell you what.... I guess I was born in the wrong century... I can light a candle like nobodies business...

This is a confidential Post... But I just have to tell someone...

OK,,,,,, I just have to say it,,, as improbable as it my seem.... I think I am falling in l@ve.... (see it's not quite as real if you don't spell it the right way)...

Those of you that know me,,,, know how hard that is for me to say,, so what's that tell ya???