Paralytic Power of Fear

Honestly do they even need any type of drug to induce paralysis? Can't they just tell you that you will have to face, and walk through your biggest fear... Most of us will be frozen stiff, enough said.

Well here I am... Paralyzed... I'm the person who when the Doc says "can you squeeze my hand?" looks him square in the eye, says "no problem",,, Then, after I am sure I have broken that hand, I look at him defiantly, with the 'see I told you I could do it' grin, only to have someone whisper in my ear that nothing happened. Are you kidding me??? Complete disbelief...

For years now I have been doing all the hand squeezing, toe wiggling, you name the PT analogy, I've been doing it... Making the progress, moving through my fear. Until someone whispered in my ear "Nothing Happened"... Complete defeat, what happened to all my progress? Funny how that voice sounds so much like my ex husbands...

Here are some of the sweet nothings he whispers in my ear:

• The last time he called you,,, Well that was the last time he will ever call you...
• When he tells you he can't talk,,, He really means he's bored with you and doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
• Go ahead, trust him, make yourself vulnerable to him,,, He's just going to take what ever you say and whatever you do and in some way use it against you, use it to control you.
• In a bad mood? feeling a little insecure, it's ok to tell him,,, Tell him if you want him to run in the oppossite direction as fast as he can,,, You should know better than to think he would even care let alone put up with it...

Here's the best one, trumps all the others:

• Isn't it great when he tells you he loves you?,,, Well don't believe it, he's just saying it... and certainly doesn't mean it the same way you do...

Lovely isn't it?? Here's the thing though... Let's not even get into all the baggage and complications that comes with two people in their 40's finding their way to each other, finally.... I want this,,, I want to get through this fear like I never have before, because simply put, this man is worth it. He has one of the kindest, most gentle souls I have ever known. He is genuine, he is trust worthy and he does care about me. I trust this man. That fact alone makes facing this fear worth every minute of anxiety...

I've been in a bad and pouty mood the last couple days... stressing over the little cosmetic bag sized baggage and the huge steamer trunk sized baggage equally. He didn't run away... He called to check on me, see how I was doing, and remind me he loved me...

I think I just wiggled my toe...