We've gone from Honeymoon to Kindergarten...

I guess it's just too tempting,,, The idea of a fresh ear, the possibility of swaying someone over to your side. Now that I've been there a few days, and people are getting used to me,,, it's been fun to see who would pull me aside next... I'm getting the scoop on who I should make sure I stay on their good side'cuz their really important', the scoop on who gets along and who doesn't, the scoop from the HR rep who thinks she'd really coy, but almost always ends p revealing more information than she should. All the 'political' stuff I just politely listen to, thank them for letting me know,, and then reserve the right to make up my own mind...

It's the stuff from within my own team that has me stumped... There's one girl in particular who has been eager to point out the short comings of my supervisor and her partner, and how this is effecting her work performance.... I've tried to take the encouraging stance, of how it's all point of view, it's all perception, and if she continues to look at things with the 'look at what I'm not getting' as opposed to 'what can I do with the information I've been provided',,, that it will eventually effect everything she does, approaches, and her general mood, and whether she wanted it to or not it would be visible to others...

She seemed to listen, but for all I know she is now repeating everything I said with 'who does she think she is' after every sentence... We were all talking yesterday about how working from home isn't always as easy as it's cracked up to be,,, but I tell ya,, after dealing with stuff like this it looks very appealing!

I personally don't know where these people find the time to be so worried about everybody else and what they are doing and not doing,,, The new has definitely worn off as evidenced by my email in box today !! I guess I'm just going to continue to try to cut it off at the knees, tactfully let them know that I really don't want to be involved in it, at that I simply don't have patience for it... See if that solves it,,,

Hey,,, did anyone notice that tomorrow is New Years Eve?!!?! How did that happen????

Let's back up and talk about moving day...

Do you see anything a little odd about this picture?? At first glance it just seems to be a bad picture of a coffee table and curtains... Which it very well could be... I ended up not leaving Saturday, as previously indicated,,, I just couldn't get it together, I kept adding things to the pile that needed to be added to the car,,, then I kept thinking of things I needed to do last minute... I kept counting down based on what time I might leave and when that would get me to Florida...

It got to be about 4:00 and I decided to give it a try,,, rounded up the cats,,, well two of them,,, couldn't find the third... So I decided to take some final pictures,, realizing all of the sudden that this was not the same as when I moved to SC and it would be months before I came back to my home... So I went from room to room snapping pics to capture what I could... and then I found the third cat, Sophie... I laughed out loud when I saw it... She has NEVER done anything like this before,, but how cute is it??

When I went to pick her up, she actually tucked her head in, like a kid playing hide-and-seek... I felt so bad for her! But she came along,, I loaded them up in the car,, and left. Made a stop at the drug store and realized how completely wiped out I was... So I got some take out, went home, unloaded the cats,, and went to bed early...

I ended up leaving about 10:00am on Sunday morning... I had figured it would be about an 8 hour drive... I was wrong! Ended up being about 10.5,, and the youngest cat only cried for the first hour and a half! boy was that a long drive! I got here at 9:30, had to unload the car and then had to be at work by 8:00 the next morning... I wasn't even thinking of Thursday being Christmas,, I was thinking how much I needed a day off!

But I made it,,, again, ventured out like a nomad in search of the next item to sustain life... To me on one hand it seems like no big deal, this is kind of how I have lived my life. But on my last day of work, one of my co-workers was telling me how brave I was. How lucky I was to be able to go where I wanted, when I wanted, and that she hoped I realized what a strong woman I was... It wasn't until them that I realized envy can go both ways... I guess the grass is always greener,,, especially in Florida!

Honeymoon's are wonderful!

So I started the new job on Monday... I'm cautiously optimistic, but I'm trying to remember,,, this is the honeymoon phase,, where it all seems good. But it sure is an improvement over the last few months!

I have peers,,, actual peers who want to share information. The girl that will be my partner on projects is great. She just wants to learn, and is eager to share everything she knows about the clients,,, it's such a switch. We have already been able to identify strengths and weaknesses we both have, and how we will balance each other out...

It's nice to want to go into work... It's nice to be appreciated... This is such a new group, it's a little daunting, but I have already been able to contribute to some of the projects, and the help has been eagerly accepted... Pretty much the job is mine to define...

They all think I'm this quiet person,, but in actuality, I'm sitting back a little and observing... Observing the woman who thinks she knows everything and thinks she runs the show, the one who thinks if she acts innocent enough, she can get anyone to do anything,,even look up phone numbers for her?? She came in at 8:30 today, took 2 hour lunch and left at 3:00... and spent most of the day reading the paper... VERY hard worker :-) .... That's my competition...hmmmm...doesn't sound too challenging...

I'm not sure what I'm doing for Christmas... I was supposed to go over to an old friends house,, but I haven't been able to hook up with her,,, So I may just have a quiet day at home.... Which would be OK... I'm still trying to catch up from getting here at 9:30 Sunday night (after a 10 hour drive) and having to be at work at 8:00 the next morning!

If anybody's checking in,, I hope you have a great day tomorrow, and safe travels....

Moving Day... Round One

The day is here,,, I should actually be on the road as we speak,, but alas, true to form, I am running late!!! Still have a list an arm long to get done, but I'm shooting for Noon... Sure would be easier if I could pick up the whole house and take it with me!

The old boss, Little Napoleon, was true to form, didn't speak to me all day, had my access to all my systems turned off at 4:59... Poor, poor little man.... But I took it all in stride, smiled through it all...

Let's pray for safe travels, cats that don't get freaked out by a 10 hour drive, and a good first day! I may not have internet access for a while....hmmmm....will have to work that out!

Vodka-rita's, Margarita's and laughing so hard my cheeks now hurt!

I have lived in SC for just over two years,,, miserable most of the time. Just as things started moving with this whole job thing several months ago, i was invited by of all people, my dental hygienist, to a Bunco party... Yes I said Bunco, a silly dice game for bored house wives...

I mustered my courage up to spend an evening with a dozen women I didn't know, and low and behold, some of them were actually pretty cool! There is one person in particular, who it just seems as though we have know each other for ever !! We have only gotten together a few times,,, but oh my,,, it is non stop laughter the whole time,,, It doesn't happen often that you meet people who actually 'get you'...

So we got together tonight,, for Vodka-rita's and Margarita's and many, many laughs,,, yes, my cheeks actually do hurt... and as we said good-bye, I couldn't help but think how odd it was that after all this time here, it wasn't until I find my way out that I find some people that actually make me happy...

I'm a firm believer that certain people come into your life at certain times for reasons beyond our understanding... As we touched on this topic, (after a couple drinks) it was nice to find out that we were on the same page... I'm not someone who lets a lot of people in my tight little circle,,, I have built some pretty high walls, to have found another person, who has put in the effort, and sees that value in friendship the way I do was an unexpected bonus... It has actually made me a little bit sad about leaving...

but I have a feeling this is one of those friendships that lasts,,,, regardless of geography, for that I am thankful...

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To do list...

Hopefully I'll be more successful at my list than this guy was!!!

SO.... Now that everything is finally moving forward,, I am completely overwhelmed! I don't even know where to start! I am flying to FL Mon night for a 20 minute meeting Tuesday morning with the Condo Board of the place I'm renting. My last day is Friday the 19th, and my first day at the new job is the 22nd! Not much room for transition! I have to:

1. Stop hiding under the covers and get my butt out of bed!


2. Complete a list of about 20 items at work(which my boss has kindly added on the last day of the review period to my actual review, so if they aren't completed he gets to mark me as does not meet)


3. Pack 3 suit cases to take with me Monday, why waste the trip


4. Figure out what to take in those 3 suit cases!


5. Get my house 'Show' ready, in the middle of packing and trying to keep things the way they are once I've done it!


6. Clean out my office...


7. Do about 10 loads of laundry(will now actually have to use quarters to get clean clothes,,YUCK)


8. Did I mention clean my hose? Forget getting it ready, everything in just the right place, I actually have to CLEAN it thoroughly too!


9. Oh, last but certainly not least... Change my attitude!!!

Changing gears, as I have been reading through other peoples blogs etc... I have noticed a common thread,,, everyone seemed to be in a good mood??????? Where did my good mood go? I realized I have let the bad work environment spill over into my personal life(even though I don't really have one)... And by spilling over I mean like spilling a pot of molasses over everything,, get the picture? bad attitude gets on/in everything and no matter how hard you try, you just can't get it off. It wasn't until the last few months that I have actually met some people that I can now call friends, and that is because I let the job take everything out of me....

Note to self.... Do it differently this time: remember to get a life when I get to Florida!

And the Saga continues,,,,,unfortunately...

Yes, it continues, continues, continues... I'm trying to maintain a 'positive' attitude about the whole thing... I beleive the 19th will be my last day and the 22nd my first day at the new job... HOWEVER... Little Napoleon has now decided that he gets to decide when my last day is... I think the man is crazy!! He keeps adding things to my 'To Do' list,, the most recent... To document and review ALL softcopy information on my company computer. Yes, that's right he wants me to catalog and review all items on my PC,,, 2 years worth of work... I'd be here until June if I had to do that!! HR agreed that this (among others) are unreasonable requests and to Not do them...

So let's see what today brings!!

Happy B-day Sunshine!

This is the sunshine that came to my office today !! The pic is a little blurry cuz I took it with my phone, but you get the idea!! I'd love to tell you they are from some man who gives James Bond a true run for his money,,, But alas they are from my Mom and Dad.... They smell WONDERFUL!!

More on the days events tomorrow, I don't want to spoil the mood!

Do I really have to go ???

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I am going to make it through the day today.

Although HR has told me not to worry about it, I am still very anxious about what the ramifications may be from Little Napoleon's actions... Is it possible that the new hiring manager could pull out of this altogether? If so, realistically what does my future here hold. I obviously can't continue to work for this man.

I can't help but have my eyes well up when I think about the potential impact his actions could have on my future. If he had pulled this with an external position I would have cause for a very good law suit, as most of what he has said and done are now things that, as managers, we are strongly warned against for exactly that reason.

Last night, while talking to my mom, she kept asking me what I was doing tonight to celebrate... I finally asked her what about the current circumstances warrents celebration? to which she replied,,,, tomorrow's your birthday...

Happy Birthday... Do you think my boss will remember?! :)

And so I am Left wondering...

What is it about me that sparks such contempt from the people I work with? If you have read any of the previous posts, you know, I haven't been a big fan of my boss lately. He is a 'manager' who feels the best way to manage is by fear, intimidation, micromanaging, condescension and demoralization. Other than that, he's not a bad guy. We have had our differences, but I have always thought we have ultimately resolved those. He periodically does things to remind me 'he's in charge and can do what he wants cuz he's the boss',,, which I tolerate and play along with because let's face it, he is the boss.

SO one of my biggest struggles with this man is that he refuses to ever acknowledge any type of accomplishment. And when I say any, I mean any... I have considered the idea of changing jobs purely on the basis of self preservation. Let's face it, I already lived through one bad marriage, I don't intend to put myself through that again. If I don't get out of this situation, I will end up believing that I am as incompetent at my job, in every aspect as this man would have me believe. The accomplishments of my teams, and the progress we have made can not be denied. The point of conflict was that I didn't approach it the way he would, surprising how goals were still achieved with this approach!

And you are wondering why the question about contempt in people I work with??? I went in Friday afternoon to notify my boss that I had been offered and accepted a position with another division,,, as expected the man went stone faced, told me he needed it in writing then said 'well good luck' and that was it... Well, let me clarify, that was it to my face. He then proceeded to contact every HR rep our business unit had ever worked with, wanting to know how I could post for a position without his knowledge, and that that fact alone somehow invalidated the whole process all together. My new boss ( well I think he's still my new boss) and one of the HR reps called me to let me know they were going to call him, as a courtesy, but that regardless of that I had been instructed to not talk to him about anything other than production and operations, if he asked anything about the job, refer him to HR, as he was looking for loop holes... Nice...

I make it through the afternoon, even though the joy of my accomplishment has been stomped on( He also told me there was no need to tell any of the supervisors, among other things implying that I would just not be here one day, no advance notice to my employees, hence stealing from me the celebration and congratulations I know people would want to share). While driving home I get a call from my hiring manager, letting me know that they did have a conversation with him. Apparently in this conversation, my boss, whom I fondly refer to as Little Napoleon for a reason, proceeded to tell this man that it would be in his best interest to reconsider his decision to hire me. He felt that the new boss would feel differently about me once he saw my last review, which he then emailed him. OK, now pick your jaw up of the keyboard... Yes that is what he did... The new boss indicated he had not read it yet, but that he wanted to give me an opportunity to share anything I felt he should know before he read it... I didn't even know what to say, frankly I couldn't even speak for a moment, literally, I was shocked. He did tell me that I had been highly recommended by two people that he respected and trusted, and so he was more inclined to view Napoleon's comments as doubtful.

I dug out my review later that night and reread it... Not really sure what Napoleon thinks he is achieving by sending it, as it wasn't a bad review. In fact my review of myself was predominantly harsher than his; on top of his admission that he had set me up for failure, and I was still successful...

He was then seen pacing in his office, loudly arguing with his boss about how he had to have someone in that 'Operations Manager's' position,,,,that it was critical to the success of the process etc.. etc.. etc.. so apparently I am not as indispensable as he would have me believe. I was also told later by HR that apparently New Boss and Napoleon have a 'history'... And I should not worry one bit as he know the source and how the source is... Which probably contributes to the sting.

So after a night of crying, fearing that I have just had a huge opportunity ripped from my hands, as well as feeling completely betrayed by someone who although I disagreed with him on many things I never imaged he could be so spiteful, I think I'm pulling myself together... I have to go into work on Monday and be above all of it... Take the high road at all costs. Let him be his own demise. His actions all stem from the fact that this process has been in the works basically since August, and no one has told him,, the man who likes to think he knows everything,,,,

I thought I would relish telling him,, and having my little 'so there' moment... But knowing that his actions come from pride and fear of how his business unit will be affected, how he will be affected in the end just makes me feel sad for him... and probably worst of all is that I have lost all remaining respect that I had. I can't imagine even on my worst day treating someone, and attempting to do to someone what he has done..

Black Friday Shopping...

And I'm not talking about the dash to the mall, or strip malls to do all the Christmas shopping... What I'm talking about is the quest for the perfect loaf of bread to accompany the left over turkey... There is nothing better than fresh good bread, with cold tasty turkey the day after!!

Thankfully, I was invited to my aunt and uncle's place in Myrtle Beach for the holiday. I can't ever remember a time when it was just me and them, no cousins or parents around. So I have to say I was a bit nervous. Family or not, we quite frankly don't know each other that well (mostly due to me 'running away' from western NY, hardly ever to return). But it was great. There's something to be said for the family bond, after a couple minutes, it was like I had spent every holiday, birthday and family occasion with them since childhood. I don't have many memories of my uncle that I like... As a child he was always very unattainable, and the uncle my brother and I were afraid of(kind of),,, but we never want him to yell at us! Funny thing is, as an adult, he had quite a bit to say, surprisingly interested in my current job situation; even went so far as to call his brother who lives in FL near where I am moving, to see if he could help me find a place when I'm ready to buy... Who would have thought????? Certainly not me! We then went on to discuss management philosophy and what works and what doesn't etc...I had noticed that he was working on a Sudoku puzzle after dinner, and was talking about how I had tried a few on line only to get very frustrated.. Asked if he had any special clues for working them out... Unfortunately the answer was no! When I got home, and was unloading the bag of left over goodies, there in the bag were several pages from his Sudoku book, carefully cut out and stapled together... I can't really explain it,, in fact it probably sounds silly,,, but that little act summed up the Thanksgiving and Christmas ideals all in one... It was seemed as though he and I have finally found the common ground, and to think it only took 40 years!!

Although I can't imagine ever moving back to western NY... The older I get the more acutely aware I become of the things I have missed out on by making the decisions I have made... This Thanksgiving, it was only my aunt, uncle and myself,,, but I still left feeling as though I had spent the day with 'the family'.....

OK,,, So it's a little early...

But I just couldn't wait!! There are so many cute Christmas backgrounds,, and I think I probably beat my dad when it comes to the Christams songs!!

It used to drive me CRAZY when I was a kid,, Thanksgiving day the Christmas carols would start, the louder the better,,,, My brother and I would retreat downstairs in complete agony!

This will probably change several times throughout the next few weeks! Have a great Turkey Day !

"D" day..... NOT !!

Alright, so how disappointing is it to have the letter typed, be all amped up,,, and then have to hold off !?!??!??! At the last minute HR wanted me to hold off,,, one final 'T' needs to be crossed ... I swear,,

So emailed my boss to death today,,, journaled everything I worked on and for how long, so he can validate my productivity(can you say welcome to kindergarten?),,, AND I have tomorrow off !!

Going to visit my Aunt and Uncle who are in Myrtle Beach for the holiday, so it will be nice to be with family, even if it is a 3.5 hour drive...

"D" day is finally here...

Well, after waiting for what seems like forever, tomorrow I resign from my current job. Regardless of the preparation, I still am a little nervous about it. Not quite sure what Little Napolean is going to say or do...

He's been very difficult lately, so I have to say, butterflies or not, I will get a certain amount of joy out of it!! I'm scheduled for Vacation Wed and we're closed Thurs and Friday... So I will get to enjoy my vaca and boss man will have he stress!!

So let's just hope I can keep my wits about me, remain composed, and not laugh too hard!

The Count Down Begins......Kind of...

I was sent my first round of paper work for the new job... We are still waiting for the last executive sign off on the requisition; we are doing as much of the paper work as we can now so when it's approved we are ready to go... I'll have to see what we can do about an 'Offer Acceptance Letter' as I won't give my notice until I have that in hand...

Only problem with that is that Little Napoleon is getting increasingly more difficult to tolerate. He seems to be on a mission to 'break' me,,, Micro managing every minute of my day... Well two can play at that game,,, he wants me to email him updates on my projects? I'll email him in the morning and afternoon, on the hour if needed. He doesn't think I can prioritize my workload (meaning I don't prioritize it the way he would) so I will ask him his opinion on everything... He doesn't think documenting and updating procedures etc is important (priority for me since I know I'm leaving, and want to make sure everything these morons could need is available) so I won't be documenting anything... Which will be unfortunate, since I won't be able to find the time once I give notice...

I've just got to keep my cool,,, play his little game, and know that I have the upper hand... smile through it all,,, and wait it out... AND I have Wed, Thurs and Friday off, so I only have two days to get through!!

Good Dreams, Bad Dreams, Weird Dreams and Lost Love...

I could start by asking 'what does this dream mean'.... But this one's pretty clear... I had a dream, that lasted for what seemed like forever. The main character was an old love,,, and yes I say love, even though I was too insecure to have admitted it at the time or to have appreciated this person for who he was... He is someone who I got back in touch with after an event in his life that gave us more in common than I ever would have hoped. Now, about every six months one of us emails the other,, we go back and forth a few times,, then another 6-9 months..

I woke up from this dream in love... It took place over several days, weeks I don't really know how long... But in this dream we happened to be in the same place at the same time, I think we both happened to move back to our home town,, I started by asking about his wife and kids,,, [because in real life I really do care and am interested,,,,] My belief from real life that he is probably a wonderful husband and a father that stories are made of carried over [see he's sent pictures of himself with his kids and everybody looked happy so it must be so],, in the dream as we talked and became familiar again,,, it slowly came out that he wasn't as happy as he had wanted everyone to believe,,, and this made me sad... I only want good things for this person, whatever state of consciousness I'm in.... The details aren't important,, it wasn't a dream of him slamming his life and the choices he had made, or me doing that either... It was just two people realizing that things had changed over time, and we were now in the same place,,blah, blah, blah...

Long story short, we ended up, over time, finding our way back to each other... I remember having this peaceful feeling of acceptance,,, See, I can honestly say, he was one of the first people who 'loved' me for who I was, not what I looked like etc, but for who I was and could be... That would be the Good Dream...

I think I hurt him, back then, all those years ago,, I know it was 20+ years,, and if he is as happy in life as I believe him to be, that fact has obviously not impacted him greatly. But I remember us talking about that in the dream,,,kind of,,, So I not only woke up in love, but I woke up feeling sad, about how badly I had treated this person, but also at the realization that it had in fact been a dream; I hadn't found my way back to someone I trusted, someone who would accept me as I am, someone I truly deeply cared for... That would be the Bad Dream

Then of course I had to ponder all the things that had taken place in this dream,,, And keep coming back to the fact that our subconscious can be like a slap in the face sometimes... I act as though I don't want someone in my life,,, talk all the time about how it's nice to be able to make all the decisions, and get the remote full time. In reality, I am lonely, I do want someone to share my story with... And my lovely sub conscious self was telling me if I'm careful in my choice, look for someone who has good qualities, qualities similar to my 'lost love' [ sounds so melodramatic, but lost love sums it up,,, I lost out due to my choices] that love is a possibility. That I don't need to be so guarded, and that possibly it's time to take some of the walls down. I guess that's the Weird Dream...

It's not as though I have been pining away for this person for the last 20 years,, absolutely not... But I am thankful that I have that experience with him to look back on, a positive experience, an experience that helps take the place of the bad experiences... An experience that reminds me it's not all bad...

In that regard, yes, I still love him... I will always love him... Love him in a way that a 40 year old woman looks back on and loves her first love... If I could, I would apologize for how I treated him, I would tell him how fortunate I feel his wife and children are, and I would let him know, that he is one that others will be compared to...

Some Pics From This Weekend...

I spent most of Saturday afternoon driving around Ft Lauderdale. I had forgotten somehow how different Florida really is.... Snapped this bird in someones driveway... You can't really see it in the pic, but his beak is about 6 inches long and bright orange,,, He seemed very proud of that!!

... And then there were the lizzards,,, I don't think they actually qualify as lizzards after they get past a foot long,,, but I'm not sure what else to call it!!! I was driving down Seven Isles Dr, trying to find the house where I used to be a Nanny,, came over a crest and he was meandering across the road... Good thing there wasn't anyone behind me, cuz the breaks were slammed on, and I just sat there and watched... took me a minute to wake up and grab the camera... After I saw him, it seemed as though they were everywhere! I think the parents bought them for their kids about 15 yrs ago, and then 'set them free' when the kids outgrew them,,, now they are everywhere...

And then there's the OCEAN... Yes it deserves the capital letters and the italics... How is it possible to forget that it is so beautiful?!?!? Never was one to hang out at the beach,,, but it sure will be nice to drive by this view every now and then!

Lastly, there's the new office... This may not look like much,, but I will try to find a pic of the current office building and you can decide for yourself!

It's amazing how much things can change,,,, I lived there 20 years ago,,, In my head, that doesn't seek like that long ago,, I clearly remember where I worked, where I lived, where I played (at least I thought I clearly remembered).... Then I started driving around and found I really had to look hard to find the familiarity.... Only a shell of the things I remember were still there,, Although I think I saw that my favorite pet store is still there!! One of the best things to come from this,,,, One of my closest, dearest friends lives in southern FL,,, well actually a tropical paradise near southern FL,, Treasure Cay, Bahamas,,, and her daughter lives near where I'm living,,also a friend that I haven't seen in forever!!! It will be nice to have them near by...

Have I mentioned that I'm excited!???

Almost Time to Celebrate!!!!!

So,,,,, I spent the weekend in Florida,,, Took Friday off and flew down for what I had thought was a final interview,,, You know,, both sides making sure we are both getting what we're paying for... As the questions and discusion progressed I kept answering with my best 'sell me' points and charm,,, Finally the new boss says,,,,"let me just stop you right there,,, I want to make one thing clear..... (at which point I try to swallow without the gulp being heard)..... I am 100% confident in my decision to have you here, this is not an interview, I can't wait to have you start. The only reason I asked you to come, was so that you could feel good about your decision....'

HOW COOL IS THAT!?!?!?!

At this point I just relaxed, sat in on a client call, reviewed process flows with him and gave suggestions for some changes (which I might add he implemented). I met the team, and in general just looked around. It was great! A completely different dynamic, which is definitely needed!

I was able to find a furnished condo, that would do a 6 month lease,,, for a small fortune! But it sure does make it much less stressful... The only thing we are waiting on is for the Big Man to sign off on the req...

I swear my current boss knows something,,, he has been acting very strange this week (ie. nice, saying good morning, not grilling me, leaving me alone in general)... SHould would be nice to not be crazy and paranoid!! Old habits die hard,,, I have always assumed that if people stopped talking when I walked up, they were talking about me,,, If peple were laughing, they were laughing at me... If they were angry, it was because I had done something,,,, It's amazing that with so many people focusing on me that there is time for anything else in the world !! (small atempt at self depricating humor, sorry)...

More on the trip, and the job and the new and old boss later... Lt's just say I spent several weeks of not being able to sleep well due to anxious nerves,,, now I can sleep because of excited anticipation!!

Just read it!!!

This gave me a chill... It's long, but worth hanging on 'til the end.... Please Read

You tell me,,, Are people excited ?

To see more great pics of our next President click here...

The worth of Family Heir Looms...

I just don't get it... I have made a life separating myself from my family... Never felt like I fit in, never felt understood, just never felt...Unless I was at my grandparent's house. It didn't matter who it was, their door was always open. I have memories of going to visit, and my cousins, or their friends just walking in as though they lived their too. And my grandparents happy to see everyone of them.
Some of the happiest memories, dare I say the only happy memories I have of childhood(I know probably harsher than the reality) took place in my grandparents house. To be specific around my grandparents dining room table. So now that we are at a time where my grandfather's gone and my grandmother is over 90, she has been staying with one of my aunts. They all decided that it was best to make that a permanent situation, which was the best decision to make.

This led to the distribution of 'the family heir looms. Since I was a teenager, I have been determined to see my family sitting around that dining room set. Building memories for my kids the way my grandparents did... Slight problem,,,, Divorced, no kids, no family... So I conceded, thinking that for sure one of my many cousins, all with families with many children would jump at the chance to have that memory in their house...build on the memories for their children and share the stories that started there...

No one wanted it... The best idea anyone had was to sell it in a yard sale... I was devastated. I thought for sure if I thought it had so much value, me the one who lives so far away who only sees family once a year, that one of my cousins, who had spent more meals around that table than I ever could would surely want it... Nope...


Even my mother, who I have tried to explain this to more than a dozen times keeps telling me.. 'You know it's not worth very much, I don't think the woods very good,,, etc, etc, etc'... Just doesn't get it... My parents idea is,,, keep it in their garage until I can take it... The garage in western NY,,, where it gets colder than hell 6 months out of the year,,, no that won't damage the wood... So I came up with an alternative, let's keep it at the apartment in Hilton Head... They have this god awful 1970's beach dining room set, so why not put this set there,,, Nooooo,,, they LOVE that dining room set.... ??????????????? I just don't get it.... They are all looking at the worth,, what would it be worth if we sold it?,,, is it worth what it would cost to get it to HH? worth, worth, worth...... Let's talk value... value of memories, value in family connection, I can't beleive that of all the family members I'm the one who sees the value...

Trick or Treat? Definitely a Treat!!

I think I was more excited than the kids last night!! I was like a little kid at christmas, counting down... Left work about 5:45, ran to the store and got home about 6:15... The neighbor had said they would probably start around 6:45,,, only 30 minutes to wait!!

This year was a particularly nail biting experience,, See, last year I got a total of o.oo trick or treaters... Yes,,, ZERO... and what makes it even worse is that I live in one of those neighborhoods that is crammed full of families with kids.... I had spent lots of $$$ and put treat bags together,, you know the one, cellophane with pumpkins and witches,, full of candy, spider rings, bugs and Halloween tattoos.... No kids,,,, took all 60 bags into work the next day (people still have theirs bugs on their PC's to my delight, not a total waist)

So I waited and waited,,,6:45 came and went, 7:00, gone,,, I was starting to feel like yet again I was going to miss out... As I sat on the couch, pretending to watch TV and not care one bit if I didn't get any trick or treaters, I could hear kids outside,, laughing, leaves rustling,,, 7:10... how disappointing... Then it happened,,, I heard the little feet hitting the walkway out front,,, and then the doorbell rang !!!

I swear I had a bigger smile on my face than those kids did... I grabbed my bowl full of treat bags (not cellophane this year, but stuffed with just as much stuff including scary Halloween erasers and BUGS) and opened the door... It was bliss,,, all these little kids trying to say 'Trick or Treat' , parents dressed up right along with them,,,

And then this one little girl, who I swear was the spirit of Cindy-loo Who herself, asks 'What's in here?' To which I answer,,, 'gum, tootsie roll pops and Nerds, and scary erasers and creepy crawly bugs!!' ... She turns and runs,,,I thought maybe the creepy crawly bugs was too much for her... then I hear it... "Dad !!!! She's got better bags than the ones we got at school!!!"... Would it be too much to say a tear came to my eye?? !!!!

I loved it,,, I got to give away all 70 bags I had put together and empties the left-over double bubble and sweet-tarts into a bowl and only have a handful left!!

Parents around the neighborhood were probably up late with kids amped up on sugar highs,,, trash cans next to the bed for those that ate too much...

But I went to bed happy!!

Happy Times Ahead !!!

Have you ever felt this excited?!?!

More to come later,, We're in a 'hurry up and wait' mode,

and I don't want to jinx anything!!!

No news is good news...?? Who believes that?

So, i haven't heard back from the hiring manager yet.... I'm trying my hardest to not worry about it, not obsess about it... But that is very hard for me to do!! I have been spending a lot of time thinking about this choice,,, hoping that the path will be clear, and I'll know the right thing to do... I'm also afraid he's going to call back and rescind the offer...

Old friends...

What is it about old friends? You can not talk to them for months, even years, and then when you do, it's like no time has passed at all..

I just had a 20 minute IM session with someone I hold closest to my heart... Probably haven't actually spoken to her in more than 5 years,,, dare I say 10?... But in the 20 minute session we got to the core of who we were to each other... It's comforting to know that there is someone out there who knows me so well... Knows me so well and loves me anyway! :) It seems as though no matter how much time goes by between 'visits' I always walk away feeling more balanced. Little bit of a sanity check, little bit of reinforcement to the self confidence, little bit of love...

I have never been a person who felt the need to have dozens upon dozend of friends, or what I view as acquaintances... I have always prefered to only have a few close friends, that I could invest in, trust in and have a deeper relationship with... This has left me sometimes feeling very alone, or confused as to why other people don't value a deeper more meaningful connection the way I do. I guess it's my security of self preservation that keeps most people out, and it's probably their security and self preservation that let more people in, just not as close...

For those of you that fall into this inner circle... Know how much I value you. You keep me balanced and sane,,, whether we talk every day or whether you are just the voice in my head that I hear when faced with some big decision....

(Photo by Kim Anderson, www.kim-arts.com)

Opportunity Update...

So I have laid the ground work.... Said there was no point beating around the bush, let's get down to the nuts and bolts of it... He totally agreed...

I told him my situation hadn't changed in the last 5 weeks, still owned a house, still lived in SC and was still interested in the job. I explained that I understood the situation our industry was in, and that I understood that the idea of working remotely was off the table; However due to the experience I was bringing to the job as well as the financial risk I was having to take by having to maintain 2 residences that I would need a 15% increase in pay... He didn't say no!!!!

Let's not get too excited yet... He said he would need to go work on some numbers and would get back to me next week... But he didn't say no!! So I figure I'm at least a full leg in the door, and found a decent starting point for negotiations,,,,

So...I'll keep you posted!!

Opportunity knocks...

OK,, So remember the job offer I agonized over about a month ago? The one in Florida, that i ended up turning down? Well out of the blue today, the hiring manager contacted me to let me know he would shortly be posting a Project Managers position,,and would I be interested !!!

It felt good the first time he offered me the job, unsolicited... But I'm here to tell you,, Feels GREAT the second time!!!!! I'm hoping this may mean I have a little more bargaining power... I'm looking at this as though it may be a move in the wrong direction geographically(as I want to get back to NC), but it's a huge move in the right direction professionally!! I was just thinking about it this past weekend, and how with the job market being so bad, it will be very hard for me to find a position that I am actually interested in as opposed to just finding something different than what I have. I have sent out resume after resume, with no results... And these are resumes that an HR rep helped me put together along with input from one of my mentors,,, So I'm trying to not get too ahead of myself and not too excited...

But it sure does feel good!! I'll keep you posted!

What's your oppinion of the debate? (you have to get all the way to the bottom to find this topic...sorry !

OK,, So I have had PTO since Friday, and have done absolutely nothing,,, Lots of plans,,, no apparent follow through,,, I have relished completely in the fact that I have had to be nowhere, no one was waiting on me and no one was coming to me for the answers...

What had I intended to do? Go to Hilton Head for a long weekend with a friend-she ended up not being able to go for various reasons; then, go to High Point for the weekend-I couldn't go for various reasons; then I was going to go through all my clothes and filter out all the things that I couldn't remember the last time I had worn them- didn't do it... went in and looked,, know mentally which clothes will be in which pile, but didn't do it; then, I was going to go to Home Depot and get some paint, to paint the entry way, and upstairs room-didn't do it, picked out colors, but didn't go; then I was going to go to Woodley's (great lawn and garden center) and pick out some inexpensive, colorful plants and flowers to brighten up my dying yard-didn't do it. Finally did get out and go to the grocery store, only to have a mild anxiety attack, so that I just about couldn't breath by the time I got back to the car... LOSER... Maybe it's time to change the koo-koo meds :) !!!

As I sit hear and try to think of what I am going to tell people 'I did on my summer vacation' so I don't sound too pathetic, I realize how long 6 days really is,, hell I could have gone to Disney World, shook Mickey's hand, and been back by now,,, but what did I do ? Nothing,,, I have got to get a life!!!!! There are so many topics I would like to vent about, talk about,, ramble about,,, but then realize I was dumb enough to tell a few family members about the blog, so I am now forced to filter myself,,, God knows, I can't keep up with this blog, let alone start another one just to be able to say what I want !!!!

So,,,, if any family members are reading,, would you let me know??!! May help reduce the cost of impending therapy if you're not reading!!!

I'm watching the debate while typing this,,, can't help but think that McCain is an angry old man,, can't hardly contain himself, and seems to honestly be more interested in name calling, mud slinging and talking about his opponenant than what his plans are.... God help us if he wins(although I think that's doubtful)... I'd love to hear what others think of the debate...

I'm a slacker...

OK.... So I know I haven't updated anything lately...Will do that his weekend,,, Does anybody read it anyway???

I can't stand my boss.......

DOesn't matter what I do,,,, Ha can't say anyhting positive..... Nit picks the tiniest things,,,, Enough to drive me crazy.... It's like he's trying to break me...

In case you missed it!!!

Interesting that today's Word-of-the-Day is 'Surly'...

Have to admit,,, the word 'surly' has probably been used in conjunction with me on many occasion!! Probably alot lately if you are talking to my direct reports!! Unfortunately for them ,, they don't know that the bad mood is because I can't wait to get out, and not because they have totally screwed something up (really I don't let them believe for long that it's them)!!!

I have been working at improving the overall 'tone',, slowly it's getting better.... I guess I should be happy that I have a job considering the current state of the economy; but let's face it,,, The way the big dogs in CA are running the business into the ground, how long will I be able to say that? Are you aware of the shamefully small payout people are eligible for with Unemployment Insurance??? Thank God for savings accounts!

In terms of an update regarding the latest job interview,,, Bad news,,, The job ended up just being a supervisory job,, at a huge pay cut,,, not an option right now.... Good news,, the recruiter was really impressed with my resume/interview (let's just face it,, me in general.. :p ) so she gave me her direct number, and some info about job titles to keep an eye out for on their site... So another contact to add to the list. So, I'll just keep on looking and assume the right thing will come along at the right time...

And Sarah Palin said and supports who???

I think the lack of vetting resulted in a lot of opening narrative themes that Senator McCain may come to regret. This Bridge to Nowhere idea is central to that and this clip contains the damning evidence to prove it. McCain has argued that he picked Governor Palin because they are kindred spirits, she's a reformer, evidenced by her killing the Bridge to Nowhere. What we are learning is that even in Alaska, youtube can kill you. Now keep in mind, when Governor Palin sings the praises of "Alaska's Congressional Delegation" and the pork they bring Alaska, this group only consists of 3 people. So, when she's supporting them in various clips, she's talking about 3 people. Sen. Lisa Murkowski (daughter of Frank Murkowski), the now-indicted-for-corruption Sen. Ted Stevens, and the under-investigation-for-corruption Rep. Don Young. That's it. Pork barrel spending lovers all. And although I'll give McCain props in the sense that he's probably the 2nd most hated Arizonan (Mike Pence is the first) among the 3 of them, it's becoming more and more clear that Governor Palin was a big supporter of this Bridge and pork to Alaska in general. The DNC would be wise to begin running ads on this issue alone over the next month. Juxtapose the sales pitch to the facts. It's one of her main resume points and she's been lying about it. Blatantly and embarassingly. Dick Cheney is at least smart enough to only say these things in private. (again plagerized from John's Notes... Living in the South, you come to appreciate any other Democrat you can find!!)

John McCain Said what????

This is from less than one year ago as McCain was trying to diss Romney and Rudy in a Republican debate. If there weren't 47% of the country who would watch this and not understand the irony, I'd consider just airing this as an ad with a "I'm Barack Obama and I approve this message." OK, maybe I'd put a "He'll say anything to get elected" on at the end. (from John's Notes.... I love what he has to say !! Check it out in my linked blogs)

Interviews - Round Two...

I posted for a random job with one of the major southern banks the other night... And they called me today to set up an interview, tomorrow at 10:30!

Low points, it's in Charlotte, NC,, so I could potentially have the same issue as FL in trying to sell the house,,, except I did indicate I would expect relocation $$ up front,, also,,, it's evening hours,,, as in 4:00pm until..... It would be the department that processes all the banking center/atm transactions, so work doesn't start comining in until mid-afternoon...

High points,, It would be a position similar to what I have now,,, managing managers, once again for a new department; which obviously has it's plus' and minus'... it's evening hours,,, as in 4:00pm until ... Those of you that know me well, know that 8:00 just about kills me,, and I really don't become fully functional until about 10:00 anyway,,,(sound like a rationalization?). I had to list current salary and minimum $$ required, and up'd the one so minimum would be my current [not really lying if you include benefits etc :) ]Banking center transactions is something I am very familiar with, so it can't be that bad..

The hiring manager wanted to do a face to face this afternoon, but recruiting had to explain that it would be about a two hour drive,, so phone interview to start...

So we'll see how it goes,, if nothing else it's good practice!!

Made me laugh out loud!

The big debate...

No, I'm not talking the whole Republican/Democrat issue or the age old 'are we really alone' question... I'm talking about something much bigger than either of those,,, What to do about my job, because let's face it,, no matter what everyone else says, it is nice to have the misguided belief that the world does actually revolve around me!! Global rotation will stop if I don't figure this out, I just know it!

Thusday was probably the hardest day of work I've had in a LONG time,,, Everyone was irritating the hell out of me. 27 straight day of work, at 12-14 hours a day (only 5-6 on Sat and Sun) will apparently tend to put you a little on edge... At every unappreciated moment, all I could think about was,,, I just ripped up my ticket out of here.

The longer I sit with it, the more I believe that although the job itself would have been great, everything else about it just wasn't right. I am a big believer that if you are making the right choice, you will have confirmation along the way, which in this case I did not...

I have had the guilty pleasure (and I really do mean I feel guilt) of not working for three straight days. There's a ton of work I could be doing, but we met our target goal for the project I was leading on Wednesday, with the actual due date being the 30th, so I decided I wouldn't go into the office at least on Sat and Sun... I will probably go in for a few hours tomorrow, but no one else will be there so it will be nice... I've also been able to spend a lot of time online searching for jobs. There's more out there than I had expected,, it's just a little scary stepping outside the box... We'll see what happens...

I hope everyone has been able to enjoy thier weekend!

Oh the Florida Sunshine.... Who needs it?!

Something I won't have to be dealing with.. :( Unfortunately not because everything all worked out and I get to work in my pj's from bed everyday... They were simply set on not contributing one bit to the relocation process,,,, financially or in flexability and understanding of what it takes to get from one state to another... (I guess they thought I could do it in one trip Friday after work so I could be there Monday morning!)

So I had a good 5 minute cry... then was reminded by a good friend that I didn't want to move to Florida anyway! Generally I've come to learn that if something doesn't quite add up at the beginning, chances are it won't later either... (Plus I heard that the salty ocean water can really wreck havoc on your car)

So...... Back to the drawing board,, It actually got me motived to actively start looking for something else,,, Submitted my resume for two other jobs today, and will do more tomorrow.. If nothing else, this whole process has restored some of what the current work environment has sucked out of me..

Brighter roads ahead I'm sure !!!

Blog......Boring!!!

Does anybody have a clue as to how I can make my blog a little more 'personal'? There are all these cool ones out there, and I have no idea how to make mine just as cool? I know just enough to be dangerous..



Anybody have any good links with easy instructions??

So who has been praying for me to have patience??!!!!!!

I played lots of phone tag today with my prospective new boss... To my surprise and delight, he is going back to his Exec.VP to see what we can work out with the whole relocation thing... I'm trying everything I can to not have to sell my house... Not because I love it here, and can't imagine leaving,,,, but because if i'm selling, I'm sure as heck not moving to Florida! (I say that now,, in 24 hours I could very well be singing the praises of the southern Florida sunshine!)


The boss actually gave me a compliment today,,, first in about 6 months,, and yes, I wrote it down on my calendar! You have to appreciate the small victories!

And so it starts.......

OK,,, so I thought I would give this a try... My friend Rachael, who I haven't seen or talked to in YEARS sent me a link to her new blog,,, I loved it,,, Plus, the best part is now I get to check in on her, and feel like I am actually connected to her in some small way again...

So,,, I know I'm awful at keeping in touch, regardless of what my intentions are. I'm hoping I can find time to do this a few nights a week,,, and keep those of you that care in the loop so to speak,, (or those of you that just need to feel good about your own life so you check in on mine to see what a mess it is! )...

So here's the current 'mess'.... I wasn't very happy with my job, a lot of stress, very little appreciation, no acknowledgement... Low and behold, someone from Human Resources thought of me for a position that came open... I put my resume together, had a half hour phone conversation with the hiring manager, and to my surprise I was offered the job!! So you're wondering the source of the stress?? The job's in Florida,, yes Florida, the stomping grounds of my youth (does early 20's count as youth? at 40, 20 seems youthful to me!)... I haven't even been in SC for two years yet, and quite honestly have not even fully unpacked!! Oh, and I own a home, and the housing market is HORRIBLE!

Hopefully I'll have news on that in the next couple days... I'll keep you posted!