The best laid plans...

I have my calendar at work set... Every morning I get a 'meeting reminder' telling me how many of the initial 177 days I have left... Surprisingly it was at 156 today... How did that happen?

I had it all set in my head... all worked out on paper... the math of 'it',,,, the big move....

The first few days were great, like the proverbial weight had been lifted... The remainder of the days I have been plagued by insomnia...

There are good days at work, when I feel like sticking it out will be no big deal,,, and of course, my boss won't want to loose me, so I will be able to follow through, move to NC , keep my job, very little adjustment...

Then there are the days, where it seems as though I am aboard a sinking ship,,, with a tiny, tiny, tiny bucket, and a big, big, big hole... I have a boss, who never stops. Not even to see if the decisions he is making are actually good for the business unit. Somethings we are moving so fast on, that things are falling through the cracks... not on my projects, but it effects me none the less...

This makes me fearful...

Fearful, that I won't need a 6 month plan, because within 6 months he will have screwed things so royally, by saying yes to everything, that we won't have any clients left.

Fearful that even if he wanted to keep me 6 months from now, we may not have enough clients to warrant it...

Fearful, that even though I know I am capable of many things, I won't be able to find a job (should I need to)...

Fearful that even though I say I'm not motivated by money that when push comes to shove,
I will find it hard to take a pay cut... Anyone know how much happiness is selling for now days?

I don't like living in fear... I know better... But really, how much sense does it make to quit a perfectly good job, just so you can live where you want to? Especially in a time, when many, many people are out of work, and have been for some time...

I know I am a little off my rocker, but really, I must be crazy....

...177...

~177~

the number of days until I move...

It has been decided...

I am formulating the plan,

but I do know that I only have

177 days

left.

~122~

the estimated days of work...

That follows the assumption

that my boss

doesn't let me work remotely.

Or

122 days until I start working from

my home office.

~13~

the number of pay periods I have

to save every last penny.

The count down has begun...

Let's see how many times I change things up...

Content: To be or Not to be...

What does it mean to be content... ?

Has anyone ever truly felt that way?

When you find yourself looking for the next thing, is that considered always looking for the challenge, or is it that you are never content, seemingly unable to appreciate what you have.

I like my job. I make good money. I do not "want'' for anything, if I need it I buy it. Florida is actually a pretty nice place to live, all tropical storms and hurricanes considered. And yet, it is not enough.

Lately, all I can think about is getting back to NC. It consumes my thoughts. I spend time everyday looking at houses, looking at job opportunities, looking forward to being able to see and spend time with the people I consider my true friends.

I spent a great many hours trying to determine if this desire was because I was unhappy in some way, because i was running from something or because it was what I really wanted for the right reason's....

I left NC for SC and the call of the almighty dollar, swept away by a 98% increase in pay, and I wasn't happy... Not for one minute.

I left SC for FL, this time the lure was the job (and a little bit more money)... and I can say this time I at least have been happy... as content as I think I can be...

But in all honesty, I have had "Carolina on my mind" since the day after I left four and a half years ago...

So I am coming up with a plan... I have been fortunate enough to obtain a position that pays me well, it has allowed me to maintain very little debt... which alternately means, if I am very conservative with my spending, I should be able to accumulate a pretty sizable savings in the next 6-7 months...

6-7 months is ample time to continue to prove myself at work, as well as look for other options...

I can wait for 6 -7 months... I'd be back just in time to see the dogwood bloom... If my plan works...

I'm working on it...

Rachael...

I'm sorry I am such a bad friend...

I'm not sure when this habit of systematically removing people from my life really started, I think when I was about 6... Isn't that how old you are when you are in 1st grade? My first love,,, Jimmy Longue moved away.... We had pledged our love to each other and he up and moved, What's up with that? And then there was the little girl who used to sit next to me. We were best buds too,,, and she too, up and left ( but that may have had more to do with the fact that she kept peeing in her seat, and some superior decision by her parents that maybe she wasn't ready for 'all-day-school).

Any way, I digress... You are one of the few... One of the few who hasn't given up on me... Even though at the surface it seems I have no follow through, you know what's really in there,,,, trying to find it's way out... I can assure you I am trying to come to a better understanding of why I believe keeping you, well really everyone for that matter, at arms length ( that is the arm of a giant by the way) is the better, safer, course of action. I have found a few clues... They weren't all that shocking, really, but when presented with the information it was one of those famed "Ah ha" moments... It was comforting and sad all in one mass of awakening...

Comforting to know I wasn't alone.. And that I wasn't crazy for handling things the way I do. In fact there are many, with similar backgrounds, who share this approach, for exactly the same reason. Sad, because in that moment of 'awakening' I realized it may not be something I can overcome... Because at the core, there is one fundamental truth that most people share that I 'know' to be false, at least as it relates to me....

But you, Miss Rachael... For what ever the reason, I know you are there... No matter the amount of time that passes between conversations or visits,,, It brings me comfort when I see that you have checked in on me... Even if I haven't posted anything for weeks.... You still check,, patiently waiting.... being consistent... is it too much to ask for a favor? Would you add me to your list,,, of prayers,,, and ask that my path continue to be cleared,,, I can see it most of the time... but it is very cluttered, and I find that I have been stumbling quite a bit lately...

So I ask that you continue with your patience, continue with being consistent...
if you want to...

Really???

So, I have blissfully been able to stay away from the blogger, facebook, twitter issues of having people post negative comments... Because let's face it.. I have 1 maybe 2 loyal followers, and the rest are just happen-chancers who could really care less...

But today, as I was working from home in my PJ's and slippers, I received a surprising email from a former employer... Surprising, because the bridges were basically burned from both ends when I left my employment there. I had made no bones about letting them know exactly why I was leaving... Which of course, left a very spoiled, rotten, bitter taste in their mouth (as well as mine)...

I actually updated my FB status with this, as I was shocked to say the least... and know that after this length of time, for this person to give me these compliments was probably hard to swallow (if we're sticking with the oral analogies). So it meant that much more...

Then later in the day as I am checking my notifications,,, which are usually light and sweet hello's etc there is notification that a former coworker has commented on my status... hmmm...

It took all of 10 seconds reading time for my good (and well deserved mind you) mood to be dashed... as this former coworker tells me basically to not believe a word of it, and that he is only being nice because he must need something....

Really? REALLY???

A) Assuming you know WHICH former employer this was is quite an assumption to make... Let's face it, we all get nerves of steal if we know we are leaving right? Those proverbial bridges could have been in 1 of many places if I am being honest about it ...

B) IF you know me as well as you think you do, with everything I have been though in my life, do you really think I am naive enough to not see through what could be a false compliment? Do you really think I wouldn't be able to spot a less than genuine sentiment, especially if the other person could potentially have something to gain???

C) A and B aside, I obviously was feeling good enough about it, probably due to my less than stellar people and intuitive skills, to actually share it and post it to my status.... Are you so miserable in your own life that it becomes imperative to steal someone elses joy? Really?????? How unfortunate for you...

Surprisingly my first instinct was to delete the comment,,, which I did... Surprising, because typically my response would have been to post some equally-as-destructive comment back, in a you steal mine I steal yours attitude... so Kudos to me for being able to take the high road by year 42 (although I am not really sure this constitutes as High,,, maybe more middle road than high).

My second reaction was to send this person a FB message, pointing out her misguided assumptions etc... laced with quippy-snarky remarks of course... To which I also said no...

My third reaction is,,, my how sad for this person... To be in basically the same mind set they were in when I left them over a year ago. Realizing that a year appears to have brought them no personal growth, no increased maturity, no greater happiness. How unfortunate that it is OK in their book to attempt to steal the happiness of those around them, for what ever the reason may be,,, and in such a public forum... I mean if you were really my friend, you would have at least sent me a private message, charging me to be careful of wolves in sheep's clothing...(see I told you middle road not high road)...

Forth, this confirms my belief that people you work(ed) with should never be allowed into the inner sanctum,,, especially not to my Face Book page...

PS... I'm still in a good mood,,, just feels like I have a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth...