Tonight I am thinking of...

The woman I do not know...

There have been times in my life,

when you were seldom thought of at all.

There have been times when it seemed you were

influencing every thought I had.

~

Lately,

I have been thinking

and wondering about

what you have been

thinking and wondering.

~

A few years ago,

in preparation for travel,

I had to order a copy of

my birth certificate. I have to tell you,

there was a secret part of me...

A very secret part

that was hoping they would send one

that accidentally had your name on it.

~

But instead I got another gift.

I open the envelope,

I held my breath a little

when I unfolded it...

And there it was,

the time of my birth.

~

It may seem so inconsequential

to many of you. But that's because you

all know your stories.

You know that it was during lunch,

or the middle of the night,

or at a family dinner...

You all have the images and stories of

how and when you came to be.

~

For me,

this was the first time

that I even had a glimpse

of what my story

may have been.

~

So tonight,

as I get ready for bed,

trying to prep myself

for the official end of year 42

and the start of year 43,

I am thinking of you...

and wondering,

if you are thinking of me...

~

Since I have known the time,

I wonder what the evening of

December 7th was like for you...

Were you scared, were you alone,

were you ready for what you were

about to do...

Did you have a choice

or was this something

that others decided for you...

~

So if you are wondering...

Tonight, I am thinking of you...

and hoping that even if you were scared

that there was someone there

to hold your hand, and comfort you,

and calm you...

Like my new background???

I found a great new site for new blog backgrounds,,, and they are all free!!

Check out "Shabby Blogs" here .... Lots of cute stuff!!

How long has it been...

Since you have met

someone

who

appears to not

be jaded by

this trial called life?

*

How long has it been...

*

Since you have met

someone

who

is so happy

that it radiates from

the core of who they are?

*

How long has it been...

*

Since you have met

someone

who

is so passionate

about their beliefs,

both professional and personal,

that it seems they

can hardly

contain

themselves?

*

How long has it been...

*

Since you have

not felt

jaded...

*

Since you felt so happy

that people needed

to shield their

eyes from

your brightness...

*

Since you felt

truly

passionate

about something,

anything...

*

The true question

is not

How long has it been...

*

but

*

Why has it been so long?

But I do miss him...

I had a dream about my brother Scott last night...

The first one in a LONG time...
We were all waiting at the airport for him,,
all his good, and best friends, my parents,,
everybody...

We were all talking about how long it had been since we had seen him,
and I let everybody know
I was getting the first hug,,
I didn't care....
He was getting home from 'the war'...
presumably Iraq...

And then several other military people came out of the gate,,,
and then there he was....
and he was old...
I don't mean ancient,,
but old like I am now,
just not 21 anymore...

He looked so tired,
bags under his eyes,
he was so thin,
but it was him, no doubt,
not one of those
"It was him but didn't look like him" dreams...

He had this look of releif on his face,,
but at the same time his eyes looked as though he had seen things,
things he couldn't begin to explain...
I remember have a fleeting flash of concern...

And then I got my hug,,,
I just held on, and so did he....
Finally I let the rest of the come up and great him,,
in some way we were all really nervous....
And as I stood next to him, while everyone greeted him...

I was looking at him,,
and thinking how good it was to see him,,
but then I was thinking
how glad I was that he was gone,,
because I knew

he would never have to have gone through what 'this Scott' went through...
that he would never look as old as this Scott
and then I woke up...

I wasn't sad...
I was relieved,
relieved that we would never have to wait like all those families do,,,
relieved that Scott would never have to endure what our military are now enduring,,,
relieved that that he would never have to look so frail and tired.... and old : )

But I do miss him...

I found the full Oprah episode from 10/07/09 which highlights Stephanie Nielson's story... Check it out HERE .... Go to minute 21:00

and...

Today I was the mower...

(see below for understanding)

Ducks in a Tree...

So I continue to be surprised by the number of things I find surprising...

I'm rushing, as usual, yesterday morning, because I am past my designated departure time for work. Run down to the car, slam it into reverse, navigate around the landscapers in the parking lot... They're trimming, cutting and driving their huge mowers around like crazy people.

I can't help but notice the ducks scurrying around, dodging the mowers; it looked like they were cussing over their shoulders at them as they ran away (the ducks were cussing, not the men). After negotiating the parking lot, I pull out, get to the stop sign that is still technically in 'the community', look both ways,,, and something catches my eye...

It's the smart ones...

Up on a branch, about 8 feet from the ground,

in a tree that looks as though it was created for just this very moment,

are about 5 ducks...

These aren't small mallard ducks,,,

these are those huge ducks, that look as though they have survived

some sort of nuclear disaster.

You know the kind, they always look pissed off,

the feathers on the heads are usually standing on end like an angry dog...

they have red wart like things all over their face,

and are in general speckled from head to toe

(do ducks have toes?).

No pattern to the feathers, just mish-mash....

But there they were...

Preening themselves... looking as calm as can be,,,

as their cohorts scurried around

afraid they were about to be eaten by a mower...

At 41, I have to say, I don't think I've ever seen a duck in a tree,,,

and I grew up around a lake, so that's saying something...

As I pulled away (again forgetting to snap a pic)

I couldn't help but think how nice it would be

if my day turned out to be more like

a 'Duck in a tree'

instead of the alternative...

I've had many days lately

where I've felt

like I had a huge industrial mower chasing me...

Yesterday... not so good...

Today...

I was a Duck in a Tree...

Where have I been???

The date of my last post is surprisingly August 3rd....

Where have I been...

I haven't intentionally been staying away...

In fact I stop by about once every day,

to check on the other blogs

that

I

follow...

It's almost as if I'm checking in to see what I've written...

Because you know,

I am a horrible post publishing editor...

If you read my posts,

(although I'm sure no one reads them as many times as I do),

Then you already know that I do this...

Because you would see the subtle shift in

punctuation,

grammar,

and formatting.

I don't do this because of some narcissistic pleasure I get,,,

It is a plague,

a result of two parents who were

English Teachers

So this post may not be very interesting...

I'm trying to hide that fact,

with borderline creative

formatting

and a

picture...

But I promise,

I will start writing down

all those thoughts

I have been checking in on to edit,

which have surprisingly

not been here...

And how did my visitor count go from 2000+/-

to over 11000 in a month?

I'd love to think it's my FABULOUS writing skills,

but it most certainly must be some type of glitch??

Ya think??

I'm being stalked...

I'm wondering if I should change my name to Dr. Doolittle...

First there's the Iguana's...
I caught this guy on my car a couple weeks ago... He was very content, had no desire what so ever to move along despite my shrieks and urgings... It finally came down to the nudging with a stick, which even then seemed more of an annoyance to him than a real clue that he should move along.... Then, the other day, I left the office, and as a coworker and I got to my car, she let out a little "Oh my", and again, an Iguana on my car... a little bigger than this guy...

And then there's the gecko-lizard-salamander-chameleon things that seem to be everywhere... There's the one that hangs out in the stair well... I know he lives there, I know exactly where he likes to hang out, behind the light fixture, with just his back legs and tail sticking out,,, I smile every time I see it,,, It reminds me of a small child who thinks you can't see him if he covers his own eyes... But it's like he waits for me,,, and when he realizes I'm not paying attention, he shoots across the wall... I jump every time...

I was at the grocery store the other day,,, grabbed a cart and proceeded inside... I grabbed my Diet Coke, went to put it in the cart,,, and there, clinging for dear life, was a gecko-lizard-salamander-chameleon thingy... I, being the sucker that I am, then went through the store as quickly, and smoothly as I could... Knowing that if I jarred the cart and he fell off he was doomed... At one point I thought I lost him... went around to look in the cart (from another angle, and trying to not look crazy),, and there he was resting comfortably on my Dooney bag... and although I was very relieved he hadn't jumped to his own death, I suddenly found myself wondering, for the first and hopefully only time, about the bowel habits of lizards. Because let's face it, if he peed on my leather bag, he was on his own.

(This picture was taken from HERE, as I was too taken with my own ducklings to think of actually snapping a pic)

Then Saturday morning, I woke up early, and decided to go get some breakfast... I got to the car and saw some little ducklings across the parking lot... I stepped out, from between the cars to get a better look, and they came RUNNING up to me like I was their long lost mother (even though she was standing very near by monitoring everything)... I didn't even know what to do,, I looked down and I had 10 or 11 ducklings chirping away, nipping at my toes... literally.... I bent down slowly,,, thinking they would scatter,, but no,,, they chirped away, moving from my toes to my fingers,,, cute as buttons,,, half feathers, half fuzz... After the wild life adventure, I stood up, headed back to the car,, and was followed... chirp, chirp, chirp... so I lead them back over to the grassy area, waited for them to get side tracked by the grass and bugs, backed away and walked back to the car... opened the door, and felt a pinch at my toe.... They weren't budging....

So there I was,,, walking my brood to the other end of the parking lot... plotting how I was going to get rid of them,, I felt like a horrible mother, in some special on LifeTime.... at which time I was saved... With a couple little chirps from their real mama, they changed course like a well oiled machine, leaving me behind...

I love clarity...

Before...

After...

That's all I have for now....

But meds and clarity are skipping, hand in hand, down the hall...

It's a fantastic feeling to have things start coming into focus...

Hiatus... from everything...

I am choosing Merriam-Webster's "2a" definition: an interruption in time or continuity : break ; especially : a period when something (as a program or activity) is suspended or interrupted.

However, I am taking a hiatus from everything... I consider it time to 'recalibrate' myself... In the midst of the last few overcast days, I have taken time to be thankful...

Thankful that when in the midst of this, I do have the sensibility to know that my life is not nearly as bad as my brain would currently have me believe it is. Thankful that I know enough about how this chemistry thing works to know that in 10-14 days, I will again look back and tell myself I need to be better prepared for the next time (and while I say that, there will be another little part of me that scolds me and says I shouldn't let there be a next time)...

Thankful that, although the stress of my current job has greatly contributed to the current state of affairs, I have finally reached a place professionally where I can say " I think I would like to take the rest of the week off"... Meet with my Business Analyst, leaving her a list a mile long, and leave the office telling her to call me if needed. I'm thankful that even though I turned this job down the first time it was offered,,, that they came back 60 days later and offered it again, with a better deal...

I'm thankful that even though the last few weeks have been less than attractive that they weren't as bad as they could have been... I can remember what it was like, before I knew what was going on... In a relationship with a man who preyed on the weakness and insecurity that resulted,,, Who instead of encouraging me to get help, liked me better the way I was so he could control me...

The only way to explain the current status is to say it feels like it does when the fever has broken... Imagine the worst flu like symptoms you've had: the fever keeps you in a constant state of back and forth, hot and cold, up and down, exhausting you. When that fever breaks,,, there is such relief. You still feel like crap, but you know you are in the mending phase... Your body is recalibrating...

Hense, the hiatus... the recalibration... the mending...

Clinical Depression: A Visual Display

So this is life on a good day...

(notice the sunny sky, peaceful water and you can even see a clear path in there if you look)

I had initially thought I would be writing some random entry about the crazy, unpredictable weather here in southern FL... I mean after all the pics are pretty cool,, you should have seen it in person... But then the last couple weeks laid themselves out in front of me... and as I went to write my quirky little entry,,, I noticed they more clearly captured something else entirely...

*

How many of you know someone with diagnosed clinical depression? I'm not talking about the 'I'm having a bad day' kind of depression,,, or even the ' this has been a really rough few weeks' kind of stuff.... I'm talking about the kind where your brain chemistry is officially screwed up,,, Now I have been fortunate,, that mine isn't completely debilitating,,,

but it definitely has it's moments in time...

*

It usually goes something like this,,,, when I start falling off balance.

At first, it's like that mysterious bump in the floor at work.

The one I've tripped over, but no one else can see...

It starts with the very subtle undertones of being a spectator. I'm not sure when it happened, and at first I'm not even sure it is happening, after all it could just be a bad day, right?. But then I also start to realize that the bright sunny days are looking a bit overcast.

*

And I forge ahead,,, doing the things I do... always aiming for the sunshine, but with this continued feeling that it's getting further away instead of closer.... These things that are usually so simple to deal with and conquer, are becoming more of a challenge...

And instead of getting brighter... it seems to be getting darker... and no matter what I do, I seem to keep stumbling over that imaginary bump, and making no headway... On the last stumble, on the way down,,, I look over my shoulder, instead of looking ahead...

*

And then I realize, firmly, and without doubt, whats happening...

The storm is coming...

It has happened before, and each time I tell myself I'm going to pay more attention, so I can be better prepared the next time it happens...

You see,,, usually by the time I see it looming over my shoulder, that cloud is moving way too fast to stop... It just keeps coming, getting darker, and heavier...

Until it's right on top of me.

Suffocating me, tainting everything I see and do...

There are no Rose Colored Glasses in the midst of this cloud.

What do I do, when I realize I'm in the cloud?

I have the benefit of knowing that I don't really feel the way my brain is telling me I do,,, and that the tiny thoughts of "it can't really be as bad as it seems" are the truth shining through. (isn't crazy fun)

I have learned that if I can force myself to look back to the front, straight ahead...

I again see, that the sunshine is there,

and chances are,

There's a pharmacy on the corner...

(for those of you wondering,,, this is a storm front that came through last week. The craziest part is that the storm pictures were taken out the driver's window, and the sunny pictures were taken out the passenger's window... and yes I was driving while taking the pics,, crazy is as crazy does!)

And he's here...

As an update...

My friend had her baby last night... A beautiful little boy (she sent a pic to prove it)... 6lbs 15 oz and 18.5 inches....

I was not there... and amazingly she was still able to accomplish the task at hand!

The reason I wasn't there wasn't because the fear won,, but the poor girl had been in active labor from about 12:00am Sunday night/Monday morning and didn't have him until 10:30ish Monday night... When I talked to her that afternoon,, she was simply exhausted, and at her wits end.... God bless her husband!!

Maybe I'll get lucky and another one of my friends will get knocked up and need someone to hold a leg !! : )

I've been invited...

Invited to witness a miracle...

What do you say to that? How do you turn that down? Read on and tell me what you would do, if in my humble shoes...

The Admin for our business unit is pregnant... very pregnant, so pregnant that she's almost ready to not be pregnant anymore...

She has humored me the last few months... and on top of that been very nice to me,, she's worked at extending the hand of friendship over and over to a person who is so very cautious when it comes to letting people in...

She has answered all my questions,,, dealt with the envy,,, of a 41 year old woman who is facing the hard facts that motherhood (at least biological motherhood) is slipping away month by month. Dealt with the envy of a woman who was adopted as an infant and has wanted nothing more than to experience that amazing connection that a woman develops with her child before it even takes it's first breath... When the baby started kicking, she made a point of coming to my desk and not only telling me,, but in later weeks when it could be felt by someone other than her, placing my hand in just the right place so I could feel it too... And like me, she doesn't like people in her space,,, so she was doing this for me...

So today, she came in after her weekly appointment,,, and let us know it would be her last day. At the risk of saying too much (but really at this point the boundaries are at their limits anyway),,, she was 2 centimeters and 50%.... So she happily sat through our luncheon,, and the shower later in the afternoon,, and diligently worked to get everything she could documented, filed, saved and sent to clients... All the while I sat in awe, watching, realizing this one woman was about to officially become two separate people...

During lunch as everyone was talking I could see her grimace, and suck in a quick breath, and then slowly let it out, looking around to see if anyone else noticed, then looking at me and smiling.... making fun of me when I asked if she was OK... I could here her all afternoon taking these breaths, and when I would ask if she was OK,, she would say " yes, I'm just having trouble breathing for some reason",,, cuz you're in labor maybe ???!!!! and she just laughs,,, saying she still has time, no worries...

And then it happens,,, on the way to the break room or from the break room or in the break room,,,, I am invited,,, invited to be in the delivery room... invited to be there, at this intensely intimate private moment. Initially I just laugh it off,, make some crude joke about not knowing her well enough to be in such close proximity to her in such an exposed state (trust me, much cruder than that)... and then I start thinking about it... And as we talk about it, and I ask if she's serious,,, she says what I am thinking, in a kind and honest way, that only a friend could...

Do you want to go through life and not witness child birth at least once?

As I typed this out and read it back,,, I realized there really is no dilemma... If women can block out the pain of labor and delivery once they have seen this other human they have created,,, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to block out the 'visuals' and potential emotional scarring from seeing a coworkers, I guess more accurately, a friends, 'stuff' , when I remember that I have witnessed a miracle.

And it all comes down to timing,,, if junior doesn't decide to vacate by Monday morning at 8:00 I may have to forfeit...

I've got nothing...

Both figuratively and literally...

Figuratively: it seems as though I have hit a temporary drought in ideas and motivation to write. I can't even seem to get e glimpse of anything right now...

Literally: I am so tired, warn-out, overwhelmed with work, overwhelmed with trying to get the remnants moved,, and trying to unpack, that I can't even see straight... I worked over 60 hours last week... which I know I shouldn't complain about, as that means I do have a job.... but man-oh-man... I look around and see the potential this little condo has,,, and then think,,, maybe by Christmas I'll get everything settled...

By the way,, I had to go to the DMV and Court House today to get my car transferred over... even that can't get me motivated to be creative... submerged in humanity for an afternoon,,, days worth of blogging material is in there somewhere...

Genesee Cream Ale...

You find it in the darnedest places....

One of my childhood friends had a random FaceBook entry a couple months ago... It made me smile, as it was the first time I had seen, heard or thought of good 'ole Genny in years...

I found it odd though, that it would be something one craved,,, my memories of it are simply not as positive.

And then, as I was flipping through random blogs today (yes, I was taking a mental health day) I came across the picture below, on a blog from someone in Wisconsin.... WISCONSIN...... I liked the pictures she was posting, so scrolled through,,, I always admire people who can capture the simple everyday items and make them look so good (at least to my eye)...

This photo was lifted from Lauren at 'In-Between Things'

I wonder if Genny tastes better with age?

Egrets, Ibis, Alligators and my own personal Discovery Channel...

I've started to get used to this nice relaxing view I have... It's very calming to see all the various comings and goings of the local 'wildlife' . The main traffic is the ibis' (or is it Ibiss, maybe Ibises?)... They look great from a distance, but up close they are kind of dirty faced scoundrels...

So the birds come and go... Taking the periodic dip in the 'lake', plucking the unseen bugs from the ground with their long beaks, and just hanging around...

And then there's the alligators...

The woman at the association office was very eager to school me on the 'ponds-edge etiquette', as there had been sightings of the elusive alligators in our calm waters. Which I wouldn't have believed until last weekend, when I almost ran my car up onto to the golf course because I was too busy watching one of these creatures climb out of the water and neglected to pay attention to the curve in the road...

So, the other night, after I had spent some time unpacking boxes, shifting boxes, and filling cabinets,,,, I was standing on my new balcony-patio-porch-thingy and looking out over the lake-pond. It was about 9:30pm, dark outside, but one of the lights from the parking lot was shining through the buildings onto the waters edge. It was a very peaceful night, the water was calm, and there were actually 3 ibis walking right along the edge of the water looking for their evening snack. As one stopped, looking at me on my new balcony-patio-porch-thingy much the same way I was looking at him,,, noticing his new neighbor... But I was drawn to the other two, who for some reason had started to put a distance between themselves and their dining companion...

And then it happened... In the quiet of the evening, a BIG splash, my eyes dart back... and the odd man out, is now the odd man ate... GONE... The splash was not that of a splashing fish, as it jumps for a bug just above the water... This splash was Discovery Channel worthy... and although I am glad I didn't actually see it happen,,,


As the water calmed back down, and the other two ibis went back to dining on grubs as though their friend had never existed, I found myself actually disappointed that I had looked away, and possibly missed my one opportunity to witness natures survival of the fittest from a front row seat....

And then I realized that although my TV has a remote, that allows me to flip the channel when these brutally honest moments in nature are about to take place... My new balcony-patio-porch-thingy does not... So I am sure to have to sit through a re-run in the near future...

I'll keep you posted.... Later gator!!!

Breaking the last link: A Photo Essay

Feeling Good... I swear Michael Buble wrote that song just for me !!!

The things you find...

I tried to pretend that the reason I didn't throw things out this time (while packing the house) was because it had to be done in such a hurry... 3 and a half, 4 days to pack up a house get it into a couple PODS all the while filtering out the things I just had to have for the next few months...

Since I had lived without most of these treasures for almost 6 months, I decided it was time to purge. I have had a 4 day weekend and had GRAND plans of emptying all the boxes and having things put away so that when I came home from work on Tuesday, it would really feel like coming HOME... Grand plans they were...

Now, I have filled a few big boxes with items for Goodwill, and have also gone through a box of garbage bags and been very thankful that trash shoot was just around the corner... but I haven't gotten nearly as much done as I would have liked... Why??? Because I started going through boxes... Boxes from 1986, 1996 and 2006 and so on... Then I came upon a box in a box in a box,, it was a set, you know the sturdy kind that look finished/decorative with silver handles and corner covers,,, and inside the smallest box (that wasn't very small) I found the reason I hadn't done anything with these boxes in the last 8 or so years....

I found the remnants of my marriage... All there in a nice box, chronologically stacked, dried flowers, love notes, ring boxes, letters and cards from when my husband was out of town, or in town and working late,,, or just because... Letters from when my husband was my husband and from when my husband loved me.... My first thought was "wow, I thought I threw this out a long time ago" ... then I started to go through it... Not the mistake you are thinking it may have been,,, I believe it's always good to know that someone loved you that much... enough to profess it over and over, card after card, letter after letter.... But then I sadly realized I no longer believe it, any of it... I think that's probably the saddest part of divorce,,, well, at least my divorce... I no longer have the joy of believing that that person loved me as much as they said they did (for he told me it wasn't true)...

So this time, after all the other times of finding this box (I've packed the box 5 times and moved it 5 times in 8 years) I decided I am done, even though I thought I was done years ago... the only thing that will come from me finding this box again in a couple years is the same reliving of a sad moment (even though some of those cards did bring a smile to my face, he was clever when he wanted to be)...

Somehow, it just doesn't feel like that baggage belongs in this house... I doesn't go with my new decor...

Face glitter... I'm not kidding....

So, I know yesterday's anti-Mother's Day post may have seemed a bit, oh I don't know,,, bitter?!

Well, today made up for it... Monday's are always a bit hectic... Catching up on weekend emails, planning the week, etc, etc, etc...

I finally got time with my boss today at about 4:00... There I was, going over my project quote with him before I send it out to the client and I look up....

There, on his right cheek,,, an ever so small piece of silver glitter! I'm not kidding!!! I got this grin on my face, it was all I could do not to laugh. He is a very straight laced kind of guy, never anything out of place... So I took a little breath and very tactfully pointed out the glitter...

To which he replied... "Oh, must be from the kids Mother's Day cards... They worked so hard on them,,, I swear there's glitter everywhere!"

We laughed as I helped him locate, remove and dispose of the pesky piece of Mother's Day left overs....

Inside, I was wishing the glitter was on my face...

The glass is half full,with sour grape juice...

Because I have been way too upbeat lately,,, here's a flashback to the former self's perspective...

Mother's Day, schmother's day...
Big deal, so you grew another human being,,, people have been doing that since the beginning of time... Today you will eat burned pancakes, undercooked bacon, and drink coffee that tastes like tar... All at about 6:30 in the morning cuz the critters are too excited to actually let you sleep in... You will get cards stuck together with glue and glitter (that will fall off at the slightest touch; you will still be finding that random speck stuck to your face at Christmas)... and you will still have to clean everything up later...

What do those of us who don't have children get to do today? We slept in until we couldn't sleep any longer. We still get to have someone make us breakfast,,, after a short drive, they are always glad to take our order and happy to make that Sausage McMuffin, to order, and the coffee is always HOT... We get to do whatever we want, laundry, go to the grocery store, clean... and the remote is always ours...

But for you... YOU actually grew another human being... 9 months of hibernation, and then went through what you had to go through to bring them into the world... You will sit up in bed, as the little feet run into the room to smother you with kisses and hugs and cards... You will gladly eat the burned pancakes, undercooked bacon, and tar like coffee,, because they tried so hard and are oh so excited to be doing this for you for a change... you won't even notice the mess in the kitchen... 6 months from now, you will look in the mirror and see a random piece of glitter stuck to your cheek, and you will realize it's the same color that was on your Mother's Day card, and you will smile,,, even though it will take you 5 minutes to actually remove it, and dispose of it in a manner that will ensure it won't show up again... As you clean that mess in the kitchen, you will be smiling to yourself about the effort they put in, even though it took three times as many dishes, utensils and broken eggs as when you do it...

But for me... My Sausage McMuffin was fantastic, just the way I like it,, hot with a little of the cheese stuck to the paper... My coffee was great, even though it was so hot I couldn't really taste my McFuffin to the fullest extent of its goodness... I will have the laundry mat to myself today, I will breeze through the grocery store with no wait in line... I will watch LifeTime all day if I want....

I would trade my hot McMuffin for a pesky piece if glitter any day... Even if I had to get up at 6:30 in the morning and eat burned pancakes to get it....

I can't wait....

I can't wait for this week to be over....

It has sucked the life out of me. I am totally overwhelmed. This project I am working on is all I can think about. It's huge for our business unit, huge for the company,,, which means it is weighing on my shoulders with the weight of the world.

I can't wait to feel like I know what I'm doing....

Does everyone have moments where they feel like they are fooling everyone around them? Even themselves? I don't feel like it's something I am doing intentionally, as in, Oh, I sure do have the wool pulled over their eyes, hahaha... It's more of a, what were we all thinking, putting me in this position?!!! Most of the time, I feel OK with what I'm doing,,, this week, the finger nails are scratching at the dirt as the rest of me is dangling off the cliff.

I can't wait for May 15th....

Why you ask? My furniture as well as a good portion of my worldly possessions will finally get delivered to my new apartment. The second POD will be delivered on the 22nd, and then I am sure I will be complaining about unpacking,,, But I will finally be settled... I have been in 'transition' since, ohhhhh let's see,,, August? That's when I first started talking to my boss about this job... Left everything behind in December... It will feel good to sleep in my own bed...

I can't wait for my first cup of coffee....

I'm sure the day will look better after I have been able to down a good 12 -24 ounces of caffeine laced goodness.... It will look even better tomorrow morning, and better yet the day after that!!

Afternoon Plans...

Yummm..... Should be fun!

Waxing & Waning,,, or is it Whining??

Waxing and waning,,,

.

.

=

n

The moon,

the illuminated portion getting

bigger, bigger and bigger until it's FULL,

then waning, getting

smaller and smaller,

until it just

seems

to

go

away...

n

=

.

.

Isn't that the way just about everything is in life?

.

.

.

New friendships, Old friends...

People come and go, I believe this happens for a reason.

Some come into your life and stay, always there, seeminingly from

beginning to end.

You know they are there, whether you can

see them or not. You know you

can count on thier

constant presense

in your

life

.

Then there are others

who enter or come back into your life

for just

a

short

time

.

.

The relationship grows,

waxing, gaining speed and momentum,,,

Making your days, your thoughts your heart, your life FULL...

and then just as quietly as they showed up,

and made their presence known,

they seem to drift back out of your life,

waning...

until

they

are

no

......

longer

.....

....

there

...

..

.

Whining ...

As with the moon,

we are happy to see these people

when they show up, a slice at a time

.

Lighting

the way after

what seems like

so many nights in the darkness.

Shining light on the things you hadn't been

able to see for so long. Then they

drift back out.

As they go,

the

whining

...

..

.

But you know

.

they have just illuminated the path for the

next cycle of waxing and waning...

Have left you eager

to see if

the next

...

full

..

moon

.

Will be as

beautiful

as

the

last

...

..

.

Feeling Good...

This is my new favorite song.... I must listen to it 10 times a day,,, When the caffeine runs out,,, and my hands are shaking so bad that another mug-o-coffee is simply out of the question, and being that my 'funny person' is for the most part permanently unreachable, this is what does it....

I've had all these fleeting ideas of fantastic posts... but I get started, and then after a few sentences, I realize I just can't seem to do the thought justice... so I delete, delete, delete... Maybe I need to get some koo koo meds or something to help me focus?!

The end all be all is this... I feel good... I had some type of epiphany several weeks back,,, This huge realization that I had allowed myself to miss out on so many good memories because I became so focused on the bad things that have happened...

Now let's get this straight,,, consciously I never thought I lived my life as the victim. Never thought that I let the negatives really effect or influence how I lived my life, how I viewed my life,,, never thought I let it effect how I viewed life in general.

And then it was like one of those V-8 commercials,,, I swear I actually think I felt the smack in the head. So the new leaf has officially been turned over. I am now in control (as much as we can be),,, And let me just say this... all of these people that I have reconnected with lately, have played a HUGE part in this realization... Not one of you, but ALL of you... in your story telling, and laughter and craziness you have helped me put away my glass-half-empty mentality and realize that my glass was way more than half full... It's frickin' fantastic... I am disappointed that it took me 40 years to get here,, but am so looking forward to the next 40!

Misery loves company...

What is it about people... They aren't happy, so damned if anyone else will be happy...

Does it really make you feel better to make the other people in your life miserable? If those people are so important to you,,, I have a novel idea,,,, why not do everything in your power to make them feel important to you.. Why not do everything in your power to make them feel loved, cherished and wanted....

OR just run around like a crazy person,,, treat them like a 5 year old, monitor everything they do... make them really want to be with you,,, craziness, bitchiness and down right indifference really makes a person want to stick around... really makes them feel loved...

Make them see you think they are worth the effort... If you aren't willing to put forth the effort, but want them to do all the work,,, My opinion is,,, you just need to let it go and move on....

Misery does not love company,,, misery loves to call you an ass, kick you when you're down, and make you feel worthless... Does that really sound like a place you want to be or the person you want to be? If not,,,, LET IT GO.............

Diving ...

I hate diving,,, My parents had a place at the lake,, I hated diving... We were one of very few High Schools that actually had a year-round indoor pool,,, so we were FORCED to take CO-Ed swimming in gym (beyond me why they thought it smart to put pre-pubescent and puberty stricken teens in bathing suits in a pool)... I hated diving,,, Even then, my brain worked over time... because I couldn't work it out in my head,, my body looked like an epileptic orangutan jumping free-form into a pool of water when I tried to dive,,, I could never get all the parts to do what I wanted, when I wanted.... the story of my life.... I should have been able to see what I was in for then...

It was torture for me in gym class,,, one year specifically, I thought I had made it through with out the Coach (what was her name??? mean mean woman who hated anyone who didn't excel at sports) realizing that I hadn't done the dive from the side of the pool, or the diving board.... She waited until the last possible day,,, when it was down to me and one other girl,,, made us get in our suits, while the rest of the class sat fully clothed and ready to post their Olympic scores upon our completion.... The ''Jill's" sat there,,, with their cronies,,, just laughing it up... I wanted to die..... No matter what I did, I couldn't get my brain to shut off and 'just do it' (why I couldn't have thought to tell someone that gem of a marketing campaign 25 years ago I will always wonder). She was standing there bitching orders in my ear, I could see everyone watching and whispering and laughing, I felt horribly uncomfortable in a bathing suit anyway, let alone standing in front of what felt like an Olympic size pool by myself in one... all the while trying to figure out how to get my arms straight, chin tucked down, waisted bent just right, legs to kick out, and toes pointed,,,,all without sucking in a gallon of water through my nose....

Most of my life I have felt like that orangutan, always awkward, never certain, always looking to see what others would be saying, thinking, doing.... Which left my life, for the most part, at the control and mercy of others.... Yes, i am an adult, I can decide for myself... But unless you have ever been in such a deep place of insecurity, it will probably be hard for you to understand.... All decisions are based on the opinions of others, and what their opinions of you will be whichever way you choose.... Leaves a great deal of opportunity for those 'if only I had...' or 'what if I just said...' moments, those regrets, those things you can now only look back on and try to tell yourself it doesn't matter...

Until recently... I've had some things going on in my life,,,, big things,,, things that would undoubtedly leave room for the BIG 'what if I had just...' moment. Until I realized the only way there would be a 'what if' moment later down the road is if I made my decisions based on what someone else said I should or shouldn't do, or worse than giving their opinion, just sat back complacent, knowing it mattered but not wanting to take responsibility for their part in the decision...

So at 41, I decided it was time to learn how to dive... head first. Not from the side of the pool, not from the low diving board... Nope I went straight for the high dive on this one... The board where once you start up, you are no longer 'allowed' to turn around and change your mind,,, remember that rule? Once you started up the ladder, that was it, the only way down was off the end of the board. So I started up the ladder,, scared out of my mind,,, the voices started to creep in, the whispers,,,, but then I realized the only people at this point in my life that were around watching were people that I cared about and people that cared about me... Hmph.... not so scary with that little piece of knowledge,,, hmph,,, ok, still scary, but feeling a bit more empowered, a bit more in control of my own future, my destiny.... OK,, I can do this,,, one step at a time... good,,, not so bad...

Until you're at the end of the board (or at a ticket counter in this case)... Then what... Throw yourself into a panic attack, so they have no choice but to let you back down the ladder,,, or step off..... step off,,, step off,,, step off,,, ,,, ,,, ,,, On the way down, so many thoughts, until the realization hit: Whether I hit the 10.0 dive straight and narrow, no splash OR I did the biggest belly flop you had ever seen, when I made my way back to the surface, through the water and bubbles and touch of panic, all the bi-standers, all my friends, would be standing there cheering. There to support me one way or the other,,, there to laugh it off with me. Laughing with me because I had been so scared and look how good it turned out, or laughing with me because I had been so scared, and did it anyway, and still made it to the surface to tell the story, sore skin, a few red spots from poor form, but made it through relatively unscathed...

This dive is being written up as a 'Practice Dive'... Practice for better things to come... A way for me to get my feet wet (hahaha), with limited, albeit actual risk, to the more sensitive structures of the body and soul, such as the heart, self confidence and self esteem...

The dive?

• Starting position: Not too shabby, a little shakey
• Approach: Ahhhh,,,not to good, hard to have a good approach when the knees are shaking.
• The Take-Off: Pulled this off with great form.
• Flight: Initially looked as though the form was going to stick, but went a little Orangatun at the end
• The Entry: Epilieptic Orangatun all over the place...

The Score?

• I'd give it a solid 7.5
• Not great, not awful; but considering where I came from, good effort not to go unrecognized

The best part?

• I stepped off the end of the board... I took charge of my own future... The BIG "what if" question is no longer mine... It's been passed over to the other team...
  

Caffeine Alternative...

Laughter... That's it... I have laughed more in the last few months than I think I did in my 30's combined...

Have trouble getting up in the morning? Don't roll out of bed and reach for the mug'o'coffee or the 2 liter of Diet Coke... Talk to the funniest person you know. It's better than the strongest Grande Cappuccino, Espresso, Latte Starbucks concoction you could ever find...

Having trouble mid-morning or mid-afternoon at work, can't seem to keep those eyes open, feeling stressed? Don't take the walk of shame to the break room for that 12 ounces of caffeine laced with that crappy sugar substitute and another 3 oz of creamer... Talk to the friend who makes you laugh... Or if you can't do that, think about the last thing they said as you were hanging up the phone last time that cracked you up... Works like a charm...

Find your funny person, it is so worth it...

I've also been told a Latte and pastry work just fine too,,, if you need a back-up plan...

Words to remember...

"Keep in mind that no matter how cute and sexy, or famous a guy is, there's always some woman somewhere who's sick of him."

Documenting Change...

Is that ever a good thing to do?

I was reading NieNie Dialogues, which is a blog I follow... The short of it is this woman has literally survived a deadly plane crash. Her blog was one that was followed by thousands before this happened, due to her honest and simple reflections and perspective on her life. Well apparently she has this ritual each year of doing silhouettes of the family, and this year she doesn't want to include hers...Because it's so different than it used to be...

I have found myself thinking of her a lot... She commented on how she likes to do her children's because they change so much from year to year... And I've been thinking how maybe a year from now she will wish she had done her own. Maybe she'll wish she had that to look back on, so she can see how far she has come, and how much she has changed. Maybe not in the physical aspect, but in all the other aspects...

Compared to the life changes or challenges this woman has had in the last 12 months, mine would not even rank... But then again they are my changes and challenges, not hers... The dilemma is taking my own advise.... I have avoided being in pictures, near pictures, anything picture related for years. I see a camera come out and I run in the other direction... almost literally. It started when I was married,,, I would see pictures of myself, and it was so obvious to me how unhappy I was, smiling or not, I could see right through it. I could never understand how others didn't notice, why no one asked... Since then it has just carried over... carried on...

Until recently... I've seen some random pictures people have taken in the last couple months,,, and quite frankly am shocked,,, shocked at how happy I look... shocked... I can't remember the last time I looked that happy, let alone genuinely was that happy... It's funny to me how when you allow yourself to come out of the fog, or the fear, or whatever you want to call it, all the residual side effects there are. The good mood, the desire to feel better, look better, be better... The best part is it's not that I am doing this for this other person,,, I'm doing it because of this other person. It's the first time in a long time where I have felt safe enough,,, just safe in general...

So, do I document all this change? Do I do my own silhouette so i can look back in a year and see how I've changed? Can a blog be a silhouette?

Compromise or Sacrifice...

Which is better and do they both stand on both sides of the good/bad fence?

Compromise and Sacrifice: The Good

• Meeting someone half way...
• Giving a little (or a lot)...
• Understanding that your way is not the only way...
• Letting go of something so that someone else can have,get or gain something...
• Willingly giving in, in the effort to make someone else happy...

In general,, I think it's safe to say we all know the good behind compromise and sacrifice... And that it's key to healthy, happy relationships... All relationships...


Compromise and Sacrifice: The Bad

• Meeting someone half way,,, even though you know the best thing to do is stand your ground...
• Giving alot,,, therefore compromising on your own core beliefs, sacrificing your own ideals...
• Understanding that the way you want to handle something is not the only way, but handling it that way anyway,,, sacrificing someone else's happiness or piece of mind in the process (and ultimately your own)...
• Letting go,,, letting go of things you believe in, in an effort to justify your own actions (maybe not letting go altogether, but reclassifying temporarily)...
• Willingly giving in... to your own weakness, in a misguided effort to find your own happiness.

When did it become so difficult to do the right thing? Why does it seem so easy to go down the road well traveled, instead of the road less traveled? You'd think the less traveled road would look better; no pot holes, no road blocks, no pedestrians in the way... At what point do we (meaning 'I' but I'm determined I'm not the only one with this affliction) decide our happiness trumps all others, as in I'm sorry if my actions will hurt you, but I'll walk away with a slice of happiness so it's something I've decided I can live with...

And will I be able to live with it...?

Mile High Club...or just...High

** Let me start with this,,, if you are one of my more upstanding and honorable friends, please read knowing you may be offended**

SO as promised... Here's my Mile High Club story... and as promised, it will probably not be nearly as funny as it was in the moment, but you'll get it anyway... Things to keep in mind; I am traveling with the Director of our business unit and the Business Analyst who reports to me and I don't really know either of them outside the office environment... we have not only worked all day,, but are now on a 6 hour travel plan to Dallas...

The beauty of the afternoon starts as we are all sitting and talking about, religion... My boss and BA are telling me about the different beliefs they have, and asking questions about my faith... this goes on for a good 45 minutes before one of them has to take a break,,, up until this point we have been in our own world, really not paying attention to anyone....

Then slam,, hits you in the face... There's this 'gentleman' traveling with the wife and two kids,, she takes a quick jaunt to the gift shop, and he decides that this is a good time to dig for gold.... I swear, you would have thought that the mans underwear had been lodged up his butt for the last, oh I don't know, 10 years... Because,, he was DIGGING.... no shame, no worries,, just digging to get that wedgie out... He seemed very satisfied with himself that he managed to accomplish the goal without his wife seeing any of it(although I'm sure she got a nice surprise on laundry day!!)... forget the other 500 people in the near vicinity,,,

So we wait and wait, as our first flight is delayed... Finally we start boarding,, and even before we can get settled into our seats there seems to be this mad dash for the bathrooms... My BA and are are acutely aware of this as I am in the last row, back against the bathroom wall and she's only 3 rows ahead of me...

This is our first glimpse of Joe Dirt... he runs back, nearly running over this 80 yr old on the way to see her grand daughter,,, we were so annoyed by that and the 60 year old in full 'gangsta' attire, big gold clock around the neck and everything that we somehow missed Joe Dirt's girlfriend trying to make it back before the other people in line. She missed out, and turned around and headed back to her seat,,, We were then on our way...

The fasten seat belt sign went off and here comes Joe Dirt.... a few seconds later, the girlfriend,,, again with the timing,, they can seem to get it quite right... This happens a few more times (this is only a 2.5 hour flight, so really,, how many times can one truly need to use the bathroom), the flight attendant looks at me, i look at her, and she helps me move my stuff up to the same row as my coworker.... So those of us in the back are getting a big chuckle over the whole thing,,, trying to figure out if they are truly trying to gain membership in the legendary Mile High Club or just the High Club... Not the we were doing any 'profiling' but it really could have been either...

Then by round three or four I'm up, my briefcase is in my seat and I'm facing the back of the plane,,, hunched over trying to find some documents to prep for the next days meetings... Just as I find them, I look up... And there it is,,,, No doubt that they were shooting for the Mile High Club,, and unfortunately, no doubt that they had finally achieved their goal... The evidence was there,,, behind Joe Dirt's halfway buckled, baggy jeans, although they aren't nearly as baggy as I wish they were...... I see it, my co worker sees it, the 60 year old gangsta sees it and the flight attendant sees it.... we all try to not bust out laughing,, which for me was quite a feat... and then 15 seconds later,, here comes Joe Dirt's girlfriend,,, head down as she makes her way out into the isle as she is straightening her way too tight sweat pants.... yes, tight sweat pants... and she looks up, looks straight at me,,, and grins..... you know if she hadn't done that I would have been able to hold my composure,,, but she was so proud of herself,,, I just laughed,,, out loud,, right in her face,,,, (not my proudest moment)...

Why was this so disturbing,,, let's see,,, there's the fact that for what ever reason, 60% of the people on the plane felt the need to use the bathroom during the flight, and let's face it,, there is only so much room in there anyway,,, just leaves a germ-a-phobe's skin crawling... and then there's the fact that it was Joe Dirt... I am ashamed to admit,,, probably wouldn't have been near as disturbing if it had been Brad and Angelina,, or two other equally as hot individuals... really how hot would that have been?

So not only was this not my own Mile High Club story,,, but it was Joe Dirt's...

Update(2)...

(1)
I am an idiot...
that's it,
that's the entire post...

(2)
OK,, so that was going to be the entire post...
15 hours later, after a good nights sleep,,
I've decided, I am not an idiot...
Well, not most of the time...

Paralytic Power of Fear

Honestly do they even need any type of drug to induce paralysis? Can't they just tell you that you will have to face, and walk through your biggest fear... Most of us will be frozen stiff, enough said.

Well here I am... Paralyzed... I'm the person who when the Doc says "can you squeeze my hand?" looks him square in the eye, says "no problem",,, Then, after I am sure I have broken that hand, I look at him defiantly, with the 'see I told you I could do it' grin, only to have someone whisper in my ear that nothing happened. Are you kidding me??? Complete disbelief...

For years now I have been doing all the hand squeezing, toe wiggling, you name the PT analogy, I've been doing it... Making the progress, moving through my fear. Until someone whispered in my ear "Nothing Happened"... Complete defeat, what happened to all my progress? Funny how that voice sounds so much like my ex husbands...

Here are some of the sweet nothings he whispers in my ear:

• The last time he called you,,, Well that was the last time he will ever call you...
• When he tells you he can't talk,,, He really means he's bored with you and doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
• Go ahead, trust him, make yourself vulnerable to him,,, He's just going to take what ever you say and whatever you do and in some way use it against you, use it to control you.
• In a bad mood? feeling a little insecure, it's ok to tell him,,, Tell him if you want him to run in the oppossite direction as fast as he can,,, You should know better than to think he would even care let alone put up with it...

Here's the best one, trumps all the others:

• Isn't it great when he tells you he loves you?,,, Well don't believe it, he's just saying it... and certainly doesn't mean it the same way you do...

Lovely isn't it?? Here's the thing though... Let's not even get into all the baggage and complications that comes with two people in their 40's finding their way to each other, finally.... I want this,,, I want to get through this fear like I never have before, because simply put, this man is worth it. He has one of the kindest, most gentle souls I have ever known. He is genuine, he is trust worthy and he does care about me. I trust this man. That fact alone makes facing this fear worth every minute of anxiety...

I've been in a bad and pouty mood the last couple days... stressing over the little cosmetic bag sized baggage and the huge steamer trunk sized baggage equally. He didn't run away... He called to check on me, see how I was doing, and remind me he loved me...

I think I just wiggled my toe...

The Modern Day 'Fine Arts'

The Fine Arts as we knew them growing up: Theater/Music, Painting and Sculpture....

The Fine Arts as I know them today: The Art of Procrastination, The Art of Rationalization and The Art of Justification.

The Art of Procrastination: This was my major.. I excelled in every course.. and could in fact win a Pulitzer in this area if they were given and if I could then get whatever paperwork necessary submitted in time.... (which makes the whole thing improbable to say the least)... However, it seems that no matter what steps I take to become more organized, and how good my intentions are... I am always running late in some aspect or another and always have. My earliest memories are from when I was in elementary school, living in The Meadows... We'd be going somewhere as a family, my mom, dad and Scott would be in the car waiting... The car would be running, my dad fuming, and I'd come running out, slamming the door behind me and jump in the car... It got so bad, that one day my dad slammed the car in reverse before I even had both feet in the door.... All you heard was 'DAVID.... Let her get in the car for Christ's sake!'... Sad to say that even the near amputation of limb's by ones own father was not enough to put me on the straight and narrow.... Procrastination is now my unwelcome motivator for all projects, contract writing, and proposals... Case in point, we have a Request for Proposal due to Marketing on Tuesday morning,,, I did not even look at it over the weekend (got it Friday), and will be sweating it all day Monday trying to make sure I get it done and done correctly... My Rationalization... I work better under pressure...

The Art of Rationalization: This was the first of my two minors. As Merriam-Webster defines: The art of creating an excuse or more attractive explanation for something... as in. I work better under pressure... Is this something that only I excel in, or is it possible that this is an unattractive side effect of reaching your 40's? Remember the rationalizations of our teen years? Thinking back, I can't believe that my parents didn't out right laugh in my face more often than they did... These were the junior league of rationalizations,,, As in... Mom, it's really important to show school spirit which actually meant,, Mom we begged and begged until they said we could wear our chear leading outfits to school, it has nothing to do with school spirit, we just want to wear those damn short skirts around all day and see how many guys we can get attention from... Like I said, junior league rationalization.

The Art of Justification: This was the second of my two minors(note how closely the two minors are related). These are the courses I seemed to always want to fail at, but somehow managed to pull in the A's anyway... See I believe Justification's root, the 'Almighty Pre-Requisite' is selfishness. And that, I am sad to say, I am... In being selfish, I am someone who wants things the way I want them, when I want them, how I want them, I can justify my actions with the best of them... I can look at just about any situation and with all sincerity tell you why my decisions, actions and choices were truly the best ones to make. I had gotten much better at these in recent years... much better at 'failing' so to speak... However, here I am, excelling again,,, justifying away... when will this lesson finally be learned I wonder?

Makes me wonder what's in line for my Master's...