Diving ...

I hate diving,,, My parents had a place at the lake,, I hated diving... We were one of very few High Schools that actually had a year-round indoor pool,,, so we were FORCED to take CO-Ed swimming in gym (beyond me why they thought it smart to put pre-pubescent and puberty stricken teens in bathing suits in a pool)... I hated diving,,, Even then, my brain worked over time... because I couldn't work it out in my head,, my body looked like an epileptic orangutan jumping free-form into a pool of water when I tried to dive,,, I could never get all the parts to do what I wanted, when I wanted.... the story of my life.... I should have been able to see what I was in for then...

It was torture for me in gym class,,, one year specifically, I thought I had made it through with out the Coach (what was her name??? mean mean woman who hated anyone who didn't excel at sports) realizing that I hadn't done the dive from the side of the pool, or the diving board.... She waited until the last possible day,,, when it was down to me and one other girl,,, made us get in our suits, while the rest of the class sat fully clothed and ready to post their Olympic scores upon our completion.... The ''Jill's" sat there,,, with their cronies,,, just laughing it up... I wanted to die..... No matter what I did, I couldn't get my brain to shut off and 'just do it' (why I couldn't have thought to tell someone that gem of a marketing campaign 25 years ago I will always wonder). She was standing there bitching orders in my ear, I could see everyone watching and whispering and laughing, I felt horribly uncomfortable in a bathing suit anyway, let alone standing in front of what felt like an Olympic size pool by myself in one... all the while trying to figure out how to get my arms straight, chin tucked down, waisted bent just right, legs to kick out, and toes pointed,,,,all without sucking in a gallon of water through my nose....

Most of my life I have felt like that orangutan, always awkward, never certain, always looking to see what others would be saying, thinking, doing.... Which left my life, for the most part, at the control and mercy of others.... Yes, i am an adult, I can decide for myself... But unless you have ever been in such a deep place of insecurity, it will probably be hard for you to understand.... All decisions are based on the opinions of others, and what their opinions of you will be whichever way you choose.... Leaves a great deal of opportunity for those 'if only I had...' or 'what if I just said...' moments, those regrets, those things you can now only look back on and try to tell yourself it doesn't matter...

Until recently... I've had some things going on in my life,,,, big things,,, things that would undoubtedly leave room for the BIG 'what if I had just...' moment. Until I realized the only way there would be a 'what if' moment later down the road is if I made my decisions based on what someone else said I should or shouldn't do, or worse than giving their opinion, just sat back complacent, knowing it mattered but not wanting to take responsibility for their part in the decision...

So at 41, I decided it was time to learn how to dive... head first. Not from the side of the pool, not from the low diving board... Nope I went straight for the high dive on this one... The board where once you start up, you are no longer 'allowed' to turn around and change your mind,,, remember that rule? Once you started up the ladder, that was it, the only way down was off the end of the board. So I started up the ladder,, scared out of my mind,,, the voices started to creep in, the whispers,,,, but then I realized the only people at this point in my life that were around watching were people that I cared about and people that cared about me... Hmph.... not so scary with that little piece of knowledge,,, hmph,,, ok, still scary, but feeling a bit more empowered, a bit more in control of my own future, my destiny.... OK,, I can do this,,, one step at a time... good,,, not so bad...

Until you're at the end of the board (or at a ticket counter in this case)... Then what... Throw yourself into a panic attack, so they have no choice but to let you back down the ladder,,, or step off..... step off,,, step off,,, step off,,, ,,, ,,, ,,, On the way down, so many thoughts, until the realization hit: Whether I hit the 10.0 dive straight and narrow, no splash OR I did the biggest belly flop you had ever seen, when I made my way back to the surface, through the water and bubbles and touch of panic, all the bi-standers, all my friends, would be standing there cheering. There to support me one way or the other,,, there to laugh it off with me. Laughing with me because I had been so scared and look how good it turned out, or laughing with me because I had been so scared, and did it anyway, and still made it to the surface to tell the story, sore skin, a few red spots from poor form, but made it through relatively unscathed...

This dive is being written up as a 'Practice Dive'... Practice for better things to come... A way for me to get my feet wet (hahaha), with limited, albeit actual risk, to the more sensitive structures of the body and soul, such as the heart, self confidence and self esteem...

The dive?

• Starting position: Not too shabby, a little shakey
• Approach: Ahhhh,,,not to good, hard to have a good approach when the knees are shaking.
• The Take-Off: Pulled this off with great form.
• Flight: Initially looked as though the form was going to stick, but went a little Orangatun at the end
• The Entry: Epilieptic Orangatun all over the place...

The Score?

• I'd give it a solid 7.5
• Not great, not awful; but considering where I came from, good effort not to go unrecognized

The best part?

• I stepped off the end of the board... I took charge of my own future... The BIG "what if" question is no longer mine... It's been passed over to the other team...