Rachael...

I'm sorry I am such a bad friend...

I'm not sure when this habit of systematically removing people from my life really started, I think when I was about 6... Isn't that how old you are when you are in 1st grade? My first love,,, Jimmy Longue moved away.... We had pledged our love to each other and he up and moved, What's up with that? And then there was the little girl who used to sit next to me. We were best buds too,,, and she too, up and left ( but that may have had more to do with the fact that she kept peeing in her seat, and some superior decision by her parents that maybe she wasn't ready for 'all-day-school).

Any way, I digress... You are one of the few... One of the few who hasn't given up on me... Even though at the surface it seems I have no follow through, you know what's really in there,,,, trying to find it's way out... I can assure you I am trying to come to a better understanding of why I believe keeping you, well really everyone for that matter, at arms length ( that is the arm of a giant by the way) is the better, safer, course of action. I have found a few clues... They weren't all that shocking, really, but when presented with the information it was one of those famed "Ah ha" moments... It was comforting and sad all in one mass of awakening...

Comforting to know I wasn't alone.. And that I wasn't crazy for handling things the way I do. In fact there are many, with similar backgrounds, who share this approach, for exactly the same reason. Sad, because in that moment of 'awakening' I realized it may not be something I can overcome... Because at the core, there is one fundamental truth that most people share that I 'know' to be false, at least as it relates to me....

But you, Miss Rachael... For what ever the reason, I know you are there... No matter the amount of time that passes between conversations or visits,,, It brings me comfort when I see that you have checked in on me... Even if I haven't posted anything for weeks.... You still check,, patiently waiting.... being consistent... is it too much to ask for a favor? Would you add me to your list,,, of prayers,,, and ask that my path continue to be cleared,,, I can see it most of the time... but it is very cluttered, and I find that I have been stumbling quite a bit lately...

So I ask that you continue with your patience, continue with being consistent...
if you want to...