September 11th

I am sitting here trying to watch this CBS remembrance special...

My heart literally aches...

I find I am more emotional about it now, than I was when I watched it unfold on the television 10 years ago. I don't think I will be able to watch the whole thing.

Because not only am I still horrified at the monumental amount of loss, but I now also know the impact that day had on the 'reality' we all lived by. Many of us were blissfully unaware of what it meant to live in an environment where the words terrorist, terrorism and quite frankly true terror existed in anything more than a news report on some far away part of the world or a movie write up.

I am thinking of the people who are just young enough to not remember the difference between before and after. Those that were in their early teens or younger when it happened.

The reality they have as young adults is long lines at the airport, business continuity plans at work, security background checks for just about everything, and all things invasive that fall under the US Patriot Act.

This is their reality.

They seem to not understand when 'older' people grumble about waiting in line, or having to take just about everything off to get through airport security, or why some people roll their eyes when it's time for yet another BCP meeting at work etc etc etc...

In some ways I think they are blissfully unaware.

They aren't aware of the difference between before and after. I am thankful they don't have that unexplainable feeling of loss. I am hopeful that instead of writing it off as just another day in American history, they will take the time to learn. This day, this event is no less or no more important than other days in our history, and in 70 years it may only get the same amount of screen and print time as Pearl Harbor.

But for now, we as a country still need to make a big deal about this. It is something that those of us weren't directly impacted by have been able to put away. I think of all those people who haven't been able to do that, the thousands of people who lost family members day.

So many of us witnessed the death of those family members.

We may not have been on sight, but there was no 5 second delay on this event.

We were standing in the break-room at work, our hands covered our mouths when the first tower fell, and our branch manager said a prayer for those we had just seen die.

I am thankful for those who responded, those who tried and succeeded in saving thousands of lives, and in doing so sacrificed their own. I continue to remember those who weren't able to make it out.

Thought for the day ~ Learning to play the game isn't as much fun as you would think...

So I had a great weekend catching up with a friend I hadn't seen or talked to in about 7 years... in the scheme of things 7 years is a pretty good chunk of time. Nerves aside, to my surprise when I opened the door, it was like it had been only yesterday since I had seen him ( a little age seemed to be the only thing to show for the time)...

As I was filling him in on the "goings-on" at the new job I was reminded why I hold this friendship so close to my heart... While I believe this person sees me for and accepts me for who I truly am - he is also not afraid to call me on it. I was basically told to get over myself... If I didn't like the situation I was in, then it was within my control to change it... but was also reminded that the economy is awful, and as bad as this job may seem, there are people who have much less and need more...

So with a little perspective and another piece of humble pie I made my way into work for the beginning of week two. Being in the great mood I was, I was convinced this week would be much better than last, as I at least knew what to expect...

WRONG - I was there for not even 5 minutes, and the general manager ( or just The General as I now think of him every time I see him) was inviting me into his office to "have a quick talk". long story short, apparently a dry, witty sense of humor is not appreciated or even understood as humor in this little corner of the world. It may have had something to do with my comment to the shipment supervisor last Thursday when she asked how my day went; I smiled and laughed and then said "Well I came back from my lunch break, and I haven't quit yet, so all in all a good day"... We then had a conversation about whether or not this was what I wanted etc etc etc, and I swear it was all I could do to hold my tongue... The conversation itself was not worth the $2.00 of my hourly wage it took up... But The General obviously felt better, because he had made his point. IE. You can't really speak honestly when someone asks how your day was,,, and "if you need help, you need to ask for it, we don't expect you to know everything" (even though absolutely nothing is documented and it is treated as a huge interruption of them using the phone when you do ask).

So how am I applying these rules to my world? When asked how it's going " Oh, it's great, thanks!"... and if it's not documented somewhere I am asking a question and then asking where I could have found that information myself ("oh it's not written down" has been spoken many a time over the last two days), and just so it can't be misconstrued, I am very careful to make sure I thank the person helping me at least twice...

It's exhausting, this little game that has been started... But these people are oh so happy when you ask a question . But it's oh so irritating to have to ask all these questions because they can't document procedures or provide adequate/sufficient training...

At the end of the day they are so impressed by how "eager I am to learn new things" and I can make the day go a bit faster by turning the tedium into this game. I have to admit there are times where I am pushing the snarkiness, but unfortunately, they aren't picking up on it...

Thought for the day ~ It was a great idea in theory...

"The idea" being the one that I would quit my well paying job where I dealt with executives and decision makers for some of the top financial institutions in the country, so that I could figure out what I "really wanted to do" for a living and with my life. The Idea also included taking some time off and then if needed get a part time job to fill the time and stop the bleeding so to speak (well slow it down at least). The job didn't need to be anything spectacular, in fact I thought it would fantastic to have a job with little to no responsibility, where the only requirement was to show up and be nice to the customers. Sounds good right?

Well, I have apparently become a job snob...

So this little job has turned out to be quite interesting... And caused much more thought than I had ever anticipated... it has also forced me to consider the possibility that I may no longer be able to have a "little job with little responsibility" because the ineptitude of others screams SO loudly that I can't think straight.

Some of the things I witnessed today that made me want to relive a scene from "Mutiny on the Bounty"...

• Referring to the Koo Koo for Coco Puffs customer that just left as a meth head and crack whore, and discussing how much she drinks IN FRONT OF other customers.



• Associates "notifying" other associates which customers they have approach about the 'membership program',,, and proceeding to explain in detail why they think the ones who declined are losers.... IN FRONT OF other customers



• Supervisors who show up 15 and 20 minutes late for their shifts, and then remind the associates to take their breaks and lunches on time...
  


• Supervisors reminding the associates that we "aren't to answer the phone, that's for the manager and supervisors to do"... because we are apparently too moronic to figure out how to say "hello, that you for calling XYZ, this is Kat how can I help you" ( no really we aren't allowed to touch the phones,, they carry them around on their waste belts)...

I could go on, but you get the idea...

I'm not sure why I thought I would be able to actually let the principles that I consider to be basic rules of business go... I must have been off my rocker... I have spent the better part of 20 years in some form of management, and in that time determining and deciding what I feel are the best and most effective ways to manage and lead people, whether the people be employees or clients.

Could it be possible that every other person in the world doesn't see things the way I do? What's up with that?

Theory: get a nice little job, and live stress free while you figure things out...

Reality: get a little job, obsess over the sheer incompetence of others, and realize I am no longer capable of "just sitting back and not caring"... there fore, I need to get my sh*t together!

Theories are good, in theory...

Thought for the day...

Let's talk about the financial reality of the working class...

I'm talking about the just above minimum wage worker...

I picked up a little part time job at a place I thought would be fun to pass the time, while figuring out my life, so I now fall into the above mentioned 'class'...

In a 5 hour shift I made as much money as I used to make in my 'real grown-up job' an hour... And worked harder (physically anyway) than I had worked in years...

In that 5 hour shift, I was blessed with a 30 minute lunch break. I hustled over to Chic-Fil-A for a quick bite... Looked at my receipt and busted out with a laugh when I realized that I hadn't even made enough in one hour to pay for that $6.89 lunch once you factor in tax withholdings and gas to and from the Chic...

If you are in a position to influence the financial well-being of others, think about this when negotiating their starting pay at that fabulous job... They do the work you don't want to... I used to say "I'm not above pulling staples out of the rug if you need me to". However I have come to see that this statement has a very short lived window of opportunity and will be subject to some qualifiers next time it is uttered (I'll pull staples out of the rug for the next 30 minutes let's say). I have also shamefully become aware that I consider myself "above" 75% of my current job responsibilities.

I am in this position because of my own choices, my own desire to gain perspective and direction. I have been humbled today...

Yep, that's it... think about that...

Under Construction ...

This applies to just about everything in my life right now...

That being said, I think that means I need to get back to this creative outlet. There was a time when it helped to jot down my thought for the day, whether big or little...

Thought for today... I need to revamp how I look at and approach 'work'... I have started a part time job, to fill some of my days as I figure out the bigger picture. This job is a small little retail job, we're not talking brain surgery, we're talking I scan things at a register and ask them if they have their "Explorer number"...

This tiny little job, has actually caused me stress!! Not because of the current job, but because of how the work life was in the past job (or jobs if we are being realistic)... I felt a surprising amount of anxiety at the mere thought of having to go in today... It was unbelievable!!

Of course once I got there, all was well,,, very nice people to work with, and very nice customers... Had a surprisingly good day. But what this did make perfectly clear is that I need to be careful and deliberate in my choice and pursuits in the next 'full time real job'...

Nothing is worth that amount stress and anxiety, absolutely nothing...

Day 61 = Chaos

It seems the closer I get to my designated date of .... of what.... departure, action, what, I don't even know any more... the more chaotic things become...

I have to wonder, have I prematurely allowed myself to get fixated on moving back to NC? ANd has this only made things worse?

I have sent out a few resumes, and gotten a couple nibbles.. but nothing concrete... The closer it gets, the more I believe, my boss has no back bone,, And because of this, he will not go to bat for me working from NC, for the simple fact that he can't figure out how to approach it with his boss.

I am stressed to the max, and feeling completely under appreciated, and under valued. My boss keeps taking on projects we don't have the experience or technology to pull off. He frequently says how much he values my opinion, and my input, but he continues to make what I feel are poor decisions that will only lead to potentail disaster...

I am overwhelmed with work,, overwhelmed with life,,, overwhelmed by the prospect of trying to find a job in a different state in an economy where it's impossible to find a job...

I wouldn't mind being commited for a good 72-672 hours of solitude...