Good Dreams, Bad Dreams, Weird Dreams and Lost Love...

I could start by asking 'what does this dream mean'.... But this one's pretty clear... I had a dream, that lasted for what seemed like forever. The main character was an old love,,, and yes I say love, even though I was too insecure to have admitted it at the time or to have appreciated this person for who he was... He is someone who I got back in touch with after an event in his life that gave us more in common than I ever would have hoped. Now, about every six months one of us emails the other,, we go back and forth a few times,, then another 6-9 months..

I woke up from this dream in love... It took place over several days, weeks I don't really know how long... But in this dream we happened to be in the same place at the same time, I think we both happened to move back to our home town,, I started by asking about his wife and kids,,, [because in real life I really do care and am interested,,,,] My belief from real life that he is probably a wonderful husband and a father that stories are made of carried over [see he's sent pictures of himself with his kids and everybody looked happy so it must be so],, in the dream as we talked and became familiar again,,, it slowly came out that he wasn't as happy as he had wanted everyone to believe,,, and this made me sad... I only want good things for this person, whatever state of consciousness I'm in.... The details aren't important,, it wasn't a dream of him slamming his life and the choices he had made, or me doing that either... It was just two people realizing that things had changed over time, and we were now in the same place,,blah, blah, blah...

Long story short, we ended up, over time, finding our way back to each other... I remember having this peaceful feeling of acceptance,,, See, I can honestly say, he was one of the first people who 'loved' me for who I was, not what I looked like etc, but for who I was and could be... That would be the Good Dream...

I think I hurt him, back then, all those years ago,, I know it was 20+ years,, and if he is as happy in life as I believe him to be, that fact has obviously not impacted him greatly. But I remember us talking about that in the dream,,,kind of,,, So I not only woke up in love, but I woke up feeling sad, about how badly I had treated this person, but also at the realization that it had in fact been a dream; I hadn't found my way back to someone I trusted, someone who would accept me as I am, someone I truly deeply cared for... That would be the Bad Dream

Then of course I had to ponder all the things that had taken place in this dream,,, And keep coming back to the fact that our subconscious can be like a slap in the face sometimes... I act as though I don't want someone in my life,,, talk all the time about how it's nice to be able to make all the decisions, and get the remote full time. In reality, I am lonely, I do want someone to share my story with... And my lovely sub conscious self was telling me if I'm careful in my choice, look for someone who has good qualities, qualities similar to my 'lost love' [ sounds so melodramatic, but lost love sums it up,,, I lost out due to my choices] that love is a possibility. That I don't need to be so guarded, and that possibly it's time to take some of the walls down. I guess that's the Weird Dream...

It's not as though I have been pining away for this person for the last 20 years,, absolutely not... But I am thankful that I have that experience with him to look back on, a positive experience, an experience that helps take the place of the bad experiences... An experience that reminds me it's not all bad...

In that regard, yes, I still love him... I will always love him... Love him in a way that a 40 year old woman looks back on and loves her first love... If I could, I would apologize for how I treated him, I would tell him how fortunate I feel his wife and children are, and I would let him know, that he is one that others will be compared to...